12/27/2007 - what do you really want for 2008?

what do you really want for 2008?
Current mood: blah

So..... that silly commercial holiday is behind us all.

This year was interesting as for a change it did not revolve around the lack of money. I was however sick. Still am a bit....just drained now.

I did all that was expected of me as usual until I collapsed Christmas night. My energy just totally gave out. I am not one to notice limitations often. Okay, most of the time I have to be beat over the head with certain things before they sink in.

On Wednesday, December 26th I came to certain conclusions. One was, I am not doing this anymore, none of it period. Not one single cookie was helped baked. I had to beg to get even the breakfast dishes washed.... little things.

I worked in my kitchen ALONE Christmas day and thought of Christmas 'past'..Of love, home, family.

I realized it really hasn't been the same since the death of my mother 10yrs ago and no matter how hard I tried to keep that alive--10yrs later it was more painful then comforting. So along with my mother, christmas also died. I have tried long and hard to instill heritage & tradition in the children. This age of electronic bull**** and self importance family has fallen by the way side. I was finally aware, the only one that gave a **** any longer was ME.

So that was my first New Year's Resolution. Come next year when none of the traditional favorites are baked. I will just say I told you so.

See, when I make a decision like this I usually stick to it. 3 yrs ago after our last HAlloween party I said NO MORE parties... there hasn't been one since.

and here we go onto 2008- anyone really have goals?

I have 2 friends from 2007 that have made total life changes. They both look fantastic. They didn't dredge thru another year. This one was not easy for them, as they both encountered divorces after long term marriages. But you know what? They both look totally fantastic. My best description would be Phoenix's rising out of what became ashes of their lives. I have the utmost respect and love for them.

Another friend, who just went home. Plain and simple. Knew where he belonged and went. He too, is amazingly happy. I hope it's forever.

We sit at the gateway of 2008. What will it bring for you? What will it bring for me? I did my own bit of growing for 2007--my changes were all Internal. I still sit in the same small house. My marriage still sucks. The children are still as self centered as ever. Most of the time I feel a failure as a Mother, for I, would NEVER treat my mother as I am treated here....

But never the less this year has taught me things as well. That it is time to accept totally who and what I am, for things can not be changed. Time to trust all intuitions as more then not they are usually right on and many of the women in my family were born just to make me and my daughter's stronger in this way.

It's okay not to be good enough to be somewhere else.

That it's okay I enjoy waiting tables in a subserviant fashion, as someone has to do it....

That Life is too short and no matter how much time you spend explaining things to people some are just not going to listen and heed the signs. No matter what is put before them on how things should be done.

Good and evil are perceptions. Most of the time, they are confused only because people do not see a complete picture.

MY friends online are priceless gifts.

My friends that have held me up and lent me energy & love to get thru when I couldn't see through the tears (and you know who you are) have been indispensible to me.

What do I hold in hope for 2008? Not much.

I was pretty torn down in 2007. I guess still standing would be good. For everyone I love to grow and be healthy. One wish I'd rather not disclose although, that would take a miracle more then a wish. Yet, I stopped believing in Fairy Tales, long ago.

Personally though? I'd settle for a little bit of Happiness. How about some balance? That would be grand. The circle is still not completed. I have doubts that it ever will be.

The information flows freely. The conversations interesting...but getting anywhere?

I do not believe I still sit here at the end of 2007. Actually, I am surprised I made it to the end of 2007.  Those that love me tell me I am too important in the grand scheme of things to be totally consumed by the events of the year that has just come to pass..... Although I see it not.

So I guess for me, Jan 1st 2008 will just be a Tuesday. I will be in bed way before the clock strikes Midnight for I really don't care. I am not in the same place I was last year at this time, except physicly.

I have come to accept this is it. All there is. So deal with it. I have my duties and responsibilities. Why I am here. I fought the battles. I lost the war.

 One can only give so much before they just shut down and pretend to be complacent, keep the peace.As my friends that are seers--what is the point giving the information if it is not listened to?

 The wall has been refortified. The layers of Ice will stay in place til the day I die.

I say nothing of what I know. Nor what I see. Unless it is something imperitive.

Over and over it is proved to me-- LMAO--check this out reminds me of the Matrix... "Neo you are NOT the one..not in this lifetime anyway."--

except THIS lifetime is all I gots, you know? and everyone else "is the one". everyone else is good enough...Reminds me of the "roses dream I had this year, the train tracks..and the rejection. Always that rejection....

Hell I am certainly not getting any younger and to be honest, really honest,

I am tired......

I know kinda depressing for 'reflection' of the last week of the year. But totally honest--

So what do YOU want for 2008????