12/5/2007 - 3am ramblings

ahh since you no longer hear me as you use to-- that turn off, turn out thing, lol--

i mmay as well write...remember the days i couldn't sit here more than 5 minutes and you would log right in. I always thought that was really cool...oh well the past is the past, no? I guess neither of us can live there.

I wish I had the gas today to take off to daytona..I am missing my beloved ocean and the peace it usually brings. I will say though in august even the 3 days there were none oto peacefull... sitting on the beach talking to you--thru the phone. turbulence....

good word for how i feel this early morning..turbulent. I love this time of night. I don't like it alone. i have also been royally spoiled by you as when i am up i usually have you here with me....

not much going on..we are getting closer to xmas which makes my stomach turn as well...you'd never know how much i do despise the holidays i keep it hidden well. my mom use to keep it all togather and make xmas cool..i have tried to take her place I am not her, you know?

December is just one of those months i wish would go away, period.

so i sit here and i wonder how you are doing? what you are thinking..you use to share all that with me...times have changed. there is an awful lot on your plate...so did you really think you wanted to be one of us?  you are a chameleon..you blend..you can do it, but do you like it? you have now seen both ends of the spectrum which do you like more? lol

it's ok to be like us...but the key is being happy with the people you are with and in your surroundings. i guess that is true for all walks of life, eh?

what is happiness? man i guess that is the question everyone tries to answer for themselves....me i am an ice queen. i don't believe in much these days..i did again..you brought me back to life, you know
 even with everything we went thru..i felt alive.

now that hard shell is back in order to survive. i am not young with my whole life ahead of me. mine is about half done. my kids are almost grown and gone..tis the circle of life so i guess. i entertain morbid thoughts of wondering how my physical self will die (since i told you we were both suppose to die togather, go down fighting so to speak)... the rest of me is none to alive anyway-- locked in that protective fortress.... as long as i am no burden to my kids--it's all good.

oh look 3 has turned into 4..i should lay down but i am afraid i will just toss and turn...

maybe if i go back to sleep in the light of day my mood may even be lighter...

i dunno i just really miss you at this time of night. the things i can keep at bay seem to surface in the dark. my heart hurts for love lost and a life that could have been..yea even the one you are living right now because anywhere would have been better with you then sitting here without you...honor, duty, loyalty we are all taught at the sake of living and actually being happy.

guess you are probably happy i am not melting lol--or do you even still feel those? I dunno...or maybe my turbulence is yours. high powered business man that is slopping pigs... a long road to climb back to the top of your game... you love a challenge. i see it in your eyes at night when i close my own

twin souls for always--

whether you want me there or not...i am you are just better at keeping me out..

reading the international news italy doesn't seem the place for you right now, eh? I am sure you have seen the stories as well..hmmmmm

oh well sweetie--you have a good day and if you remember me i am around. going to put a log on the fire cover up in the blankets hopefully fall back to sleep for an hour...

hey gianni, do you trust me?