12/4/2007 - mia anima gemella--part I
Entry
I am gonna have to restart this later--I just cen't do it now......
you know when I started this in March things were so different...we had a life and a hopeful future togather...
I started it for the same reason I am continuing it now--for once again, you are away for an extended period of time.
I actually shouldn't have read the things I left back in March as I am missing you so much and to know now that in November none of that from March will ever be, well yea, it hurts....
So I will continue this later and NOT go back and read when there was a time you loved me above all else....
Funny how it isn't i after all these months that has changed....
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
this has been running thru my head all day--even before you shocked the hell out of me this afternoon by being on Yahoo---
This time, This placeMisused, MistakesToo long,
Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know, you know, you know
[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore
One my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know, you know, you know
[CHORUS]
So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving
Hold on to me and, never let me go
it was so wonderful to see you today.. my gawd Gianni I miss ya so. Get strong soon..I am with you--for always. I too have learned quite a few things this past week and one is we owe it to eachother to be HAPPY--because the blink of an eye can be brutal.
love you--
Well, even I don't remember when the last time I wrote to you was...was it monday?
First of all before we get to the orlando trip (poor nick if he is reading this one to you, it'll probably take several tries while you are awake :> )--guess what I did?
hehehehehhe--
I told Alex. yup-- all of it.(not all of it as in ALL OF IT, just what he needed to know---) Okay let me tell you HOW I got to that point,lol. It's a good thing I KNOW you are laying down, huh?
Monday as I was waiting for gail to come get me--Andrea and I were engaged in conversation. My son, as you know is a very smart young man with his genius IQ-- he had headphones on so Andrea and I were just talking--I could hear the music he was listening to.
We did not say anything except we were concerned for you and what was going on. The fact that Eric has been wonderful. Now Nick has stepped in and these 2 men are my lifeline to you at this point and keeping my sanity for me as well as keeping me grounded and able to go on here as I must.
I walked outside to smoke. Alex followed me. He said to me, "please tell me what is going on, I know something bad has happened. You don't sleep, you don't eat...and I am worried about you. Is dad doing something to upset you AGAIN--"
Like any mother who puts her children beyond even herself...this broke my heart. I made the decision to tell him.. all of it.(well you know not all of it--most of it, what I felt he needed to know :D which would be excluding quite a few details,lol!) I have hidden all of this from him for 2 months and with the extent of everything going on, I felt now was as good a time as any.
go ahead, ask me,lol-- How did he take it? :P Pretty good actually.
My kids are odd like me. He sees what you do as a job like any other. Anyway, he asked some wicked intelligent questions that went well beyond his 13 yrs of age. I answered them to the best of my ability. When we got finished talking he said a couple of things-- one was I am glad you made the decision to trust me mom...1)This is family business don't you worry it goes no further... & 2) See, I told you-- someone has always got your back. That's not a bad thing. Look how he is taking care of YOU and he's very far away. That's a first in your life ever.--
We were outside when this discussion took place alot of it anyway--and then the rest with Andrea in the living room...It went rather well. I think you would have been pleased.
Ahh and on with the show-- Gail showed at about 1pm we went to Zellies had lunch. This is the place I had the only alcohol I consumed the whole time I was gone,lol. 1 beer, yup that was it. Yup, the whole trip,lol.
We got into Orlando about 4pm... You know I told you I was all excited about being at the MArriott--pfffttt what a joke. No amenities what so ever in the room for guests. these girls paid like 200 a night for this crappy hotel room...worst part is The Marriott is a total non smoking hotel. nope not even a balcony....
You are getting the story here the blog didn't tell so bear with me--lol.
Gail was in the shower--and I was standing looking out the window. We were on the 5th floor--My thoughts were many as you can imagine. Especially because of plans that were shattered. Sadness crept in, but I promised you I would go and 'have a good time' and it all just seemed so pointless because of WHERE you are, you know?
I think that is just something about when you love someone-- (yea there's that damn question again in my head... Why do you think you love me?) first of all I miss you so much. I miss your humor. I so very miss our conversations for hours at a time. I miss feeling SAFE--
I stood at the window looking out at gorgeous downtown orlando- Not--clutching my arms about me and I just hurt...I just hurt for you and what you are going thru.. and then I was thankful that you are still with me and getting stronger everyday....
My thoughts were interrupted when I looked over the pool area..and down there in the jacuzzi were 2 people--ah yes, male & female... and he was desperately trying to get somewhere with her in the jacuzzi :p ---foolish girl fought him off and eventually he gave up..but that made me smile--heheheheh
Gail came out of the bathroom and she is dressed rocker to the nines... Now Gianni--I did the rail thing LAST year-- this is a rock concert.. ME I prefer practical. I am in jeans, a tight purple sweater..It's not low cut or anything, just there. and the most comfortable pair of flat shoes I have....
It got worse--we go over to the venue and there are all these chicks she went with to the show the night before--all heels, very low cut shirts, VERY fake BOOBS---lol..most of them are MY age or close to it and I am thinking my gawd they look ridiculous trying to be the "young & tasty's...hehehhe... There were 2 in particular that had flown in frThe one beached blond with her high perky boobs and her face when you got close she had to be close to 50--she looked all of rode hard & hung up wet. lol--
I, as you know, can't stand MOST women to begin with-- there was WAYYYYY too much estrogen in this group for me. I was kinda aggravated they were not selling beer outside the venue like they did in st pete... sure could have used one, BAD--just to handle the barbie dolls I was around--but I was in a group had to deal,remember the END which is Nickelback. When the lights go down and the music is on..nothing else will matter I am there....
The show, what can I say. 3 days grace--I don't know if you know them. They are one of my favorite bands. Their lyrics are so poignant to my life and my marriage it's not funny- so I really enjoyed their set.
You know the funny thing was-- I was right on the rail and I was right in front of about 15 speakers... and I thought about OUR connection. Especially, after the first band came on. I was worried because it really was loud and base driven. Then I thought if he hears I moved off the rail because I was worried it might hurt him-- omg--he will be so pissed at me-- Plus, nick said you were sedated really well-- So I stayed and will always wonder with everything you went thru monday night should I have moved????? are we REALLY that close????
Well nickelback--there's really not much to say. I have told you Kroeger is just too skinny..I always want to take him home and feed him,lol (yes so italian I know) --but the man has such an incredible stage presence by like song 2 you forget how skinny he is and start feeling a little ummmm--'frisky' lol! they opened with Animals which didn't help matters-- His brother the bassist was right in front of me and so was mr kroeger quite a bit-- I at one point thought..It may be a good thing G is not in Orlando as I believe he would not be able to walk for days if he was here tonight....hehehehhe ;) They did one song off of all the right reasons cd--that hit me very hard-- called far away..now I have heard this song many times. Seemed at the show though, it had meaning-- made me cry--(yea I know what can I say) it's now on my Sinister page with the rest of the music I have for you the lyrics are very poignant to what we are going through right now---
OMG--after the show all these 40yr old chicks stalked the dam tour buses. Which to me is assinine. Again, I am with the group--this was another time I really wished you were there to have saved me, you have no idea..
.They stood at the gate looking like a bunch of bitches in heat-- I sat on a wall about 10ft away with one of the non plastic chicks from california--who basicly had the same veiws as I did on the whole thing...I was flippin freezing and starving. lol--they got totally excited when they met 2 of the guys from Breaking Benjamin-- the funny thing was the bassist and his girl stood there and talked to me for a while -- we discussed the weather (they were laughing because I was soooo cold they are both from Scranton,PA)--
By the time they were over this game it was 12:30am--Gail & I went back to the hotel which the bar kitchen was closed..had I known how LONG a night it was going to be I would have ordered coffee ;)--went up to the room to order room service-- kitchen closes at 11pm. Marriott, wtf right?--
got in the car drove like 10 minutes and all we could find was a drive thru mc donalds open all night.. I am totally convinced now Orlando is just one big ghetto, I swear.
fast forward--it is now about 2:45..everyone is in the room.. girls are all winding down--I am as uncomfortable as hell..with the women gail and I are with-- I am laying there trying to sleep..3am-- I was shaking violently--worse then anything you & I have ever gone thru before-- My best description as I told Eric was I felt like I had tried to snort an 8 ball all in one line. I couldn't breathe, I was shaking, MY heart felt like it was coming out of my chest-- Now I have felt your chest wounds for days here-- but this was different and it (yeah I am going to say it) I have NEVER in my life been as ****ing scared as I was... I KNEW I had to leave the room.. I got up grabbed my smokes and a room key..and split. I had seen public internet access on the 2nd floor--
I got a hold of Eric right away.. it was taking me 10minutes at a time to type like 2 lines to him and all I kept saying was something is very, very wrong-- and on top of it I was in a strange environment. I was having trouble keeping myself under control luckily at 3am there was no one around--
Poor Eric--he walked me thru this before. It was Saturday morningat 4am..but nothing was like I felt in that hotel. he was freaking out and there was nothing he could do. He did catch nick online and at least I realized I wasn't going crazy...then I got mail last night explaining basicly WHY it was as bad as it has ever been---
Mi Amore-- you gots to stop doing this to me,lol! you know it's bad enough I am older then you--I don't really need to be looking it--If I NEVER feel what I did again in that hotel lobby I won't miss it-- I was TERRIFIED...
I did think I should sit down and write Nick yesterday-- to try to explain I am not insane. I didn't know how much you had told him about this connection we have with eachother--not something you or I just say, "hey we feel eachother" lol!--
He surprised me --guess who he mentioned? Yup your grandmother,lol! so at least he knows it's real..lol and basicly I am not crazy at least where this is concerned :D
that was pretty much the trip. I fell asleep at 5am on the floor in the room--I slept fitfully til 8am got up went down got the free watered down coffee the hotel offered..was alone from 8til about 10:30 when they all crawled outta bed and told me to come have breakfast with them.. I got back to mt dora at about 1:30pm laid down at 3pm slept til 5:30pm got up went to my father's as he is now in Europe...took care of everything. Came home ordered Chinese for dinner-- ate my soup only...Went to bed Andrea came in and got me--Eric wanted me to know Nick was sending me mail..
Eric & Nick have been fantastic to me Gianni for this I thank you..it's all that has kept me going. you know me too well and you did prepare for everything didn't you?
Damn I have to watch the Soprano's by myself tonight :( I will miss you last week was too fun--Wow I can't believe that was ONLY last wednesday--
Okay, mi amore--I actually DO need to clean the house. looks as though a tornado came thru. Then Gabrielle and I need to do grocery shopping ---she stayed home from school today. Seems she didn't sleep well with mom out of the house--
I love you Gianni continue to get stronger--everyday brings you closer back to me. I am with you, my sweet man.
well--here I am.... I can't help but wonder if you even KNOW what day it is yet. I think that is the worst part..not knowing...not knowing how you are doing, not knowing if you are getting stronger--I feel totally HELPLESS here.
Obviously, as E pointed out..If he had turned in any way worse we would KNOW--they would have sent someone. Don't you doubt how important you are..he must have given specific orders.
So very you, huh? You prepared for anything/everything you could in advance. I know you-- I wonder who is with you...If you have someone YOU love by your side...not someone who loves you--but the other way around--this way you get stronger by the hours.
Yes--I slept G... Not that it matters. I am consumed by you right now. I guess any 'normal' female would be terrified by what happened..ME, I am angry of the animals. People suck, and have no respect for a code of business that has been in place since the beginning-- pisses me OFF.
I got up at 2am--checked for message from E-- who invited me into chat-- and I said to him," I don't chat and I am really not in the mood for anything hot and heavy with all the little phonies on SS-" hehehehe..I have more important matters weighing heavy on my mind--such as REAL life, not cyber sex.
The man apologized over and over for even suggesting it ;) lol! I told him to quit--my mood is feirce this early morning and that I was signing off because he didn't deserve the BRUNT of it... Our tempers are a lot alike, mi amore.
I had another message from him this morning saying to have a good time this evening-- I told him had you been safe and sound this would be much easier. Right now, mundane life things seem pointless. I am helpless to do anything, but yet..I KNOW everyday you are stable brings me closer to hearing from YOU personally--It still does not help what I am feeling inside. I am WITH you. Gawd I wish you knew this--I wish I could just tell you I AM THERE with you.
Yea baby I am doing exactly what would be expected of me--Strong like bull that's not the hard part. Been doing that my whole life. The hard part as I have told you is the not knowing... are you awake? are you getting stronger? Do you feel me with you? one heart, one soul-- I belong to you..
Oh well-- I could sit here and repeat myself all day... I am going, okay? I am doing what you asked me to...but you need to forgive me if I can't get excited about it, alright? Seems just a silly thing when I think about what is going on with you-- When I think of the things you said to me on yahoo before you left to get the plane... and how even then I was powerless to comfort you. I have never felt more helpless then I do these past few days.
I have told you so much I am not afraid of this life you have brought me into. The only thing that scares me, actually nothing scares me... I am just totally PISSED OFF I am not where I belong which is in that room with you--and this doesn't leave me not for one second of the day while I am awake...
I love you mi amore--sleep well, get strong--
before you get all crazy with me--YES I slept last night..no I am not cleaning too much due to major lack of interest, but yea--I am cooking,lol! Steak Pizzaiola for dinner :p ...Am I excited about tomorow no not really... only place I want to be is with YOU--If I could be anywhere in the world it would be that hospital room right now.
I pray today has found you stronger-- You know I don't pray--"that express train to hell" again,lol... but I asked whoever was in charge of this crazy ride you & I are on (NO not to stop it,lol) but to please make us "ONE HEART" and give him whatever of my strength he NEEDS..let me feel his pain..let him feel me close, with him..
I know I keep telling you this-- but your people have gone above and beyond duty to me. Especially Eric. He finally got some 'down' time last night..was going out with his lady ;) Was out all night and the boy logged in and made sure I was okay, before he laid himself down to sleep...I am not use to having people give a dam about me..You and I, we get along so well because we have always been alone, you know? Even if this is being done as respect for you--it has been a life saver for me--being on this end of things, you know?
I realized last night--certain things you said to me on Yahoo/and in the last letter you wrote me..The question you asked me of why I think I love you---You were prepared for the worst. I also thought alot of your grandmother's vision in the last couple of days..I wonder if it's the crashing into eachother that stopped that prophecy from coming true... You also made me a promise and I am holding you to it, got that? ;)
So much on my mind Gianni--most of it is--I feel empty without you..you have spoiled me to what it is like to feel whole & happy-- I miss that. I miss you like crazy.
Larry took the older kids to the movies "the 300" in a way I am grateful for I am not all here,lol... I won't be until you are strong enough to talk to me yourself...I know if situations were reversed you'd be with me.... and I am angry I should be with you.
alrighty baby--I am sure even by the time you can read this it's going to be a novel. But at least I know you will READ it one day--me and my ramblings,lol!
never doubt how much I love you
well, you know me very well do you not?
It's been, 9hours or so since you left in the twilightof the morning... this way I figure by the time you have a computer--you're inbox will not be overloaded, right?
I dunno--the whole day has been a blur. Up at 3am. Life changes in the blink of an eye..by 6am I am sitting here like holy hell--I am dreaming and any minute I am going to wake up--I KNOW this.
Wow what a long week...seems even longer since lunch yesterday..you sure that was yesterday and not months ago in another lifetime?
"do you Trust me?" I see it so clear---
the funny thing is all the peices are in the puzzle-- everything I didn't understand the last few weeks..I get it. All of it.
I am on my way into school this Am with the 5yr old by the hand and I am thinking..
This is NOT who I am anymore. I reside in your world. I really do.
Day to day things seem odd to me- Could be sheer exhaustion as I am still waiting on that confirmation and I'd be lieing if I didn't say it was stressing me incredibly--I don't think sleep will come to me until I get it..
How do I feel?..funny you left the country--I feel really exposed. Unsafe. I know this is not true but it feels that way--
I walked into the kindergarten class and Sister Mary told me I looked like hell and to go HOME--guess I am not hiding it *that* well either,lol.
Tried to choke down some lunch-- am I strong enough?
9:30am--Saturday 3/17--
funny that is the last line I wrote--
was quite a long night as you probably figure since I feel things--- Now that you're able to read this stuff--
I don't know I was eeriely calm when eric gave me the message..that was around 1am. You know-- I'll tell ya what if you ever bring me to meet him..He gets one hell of a hug from me. He went above and beyond your payroll last night... he sat and he talked with me all night. NEVER your business--but just how was I DOING--ect; and the fact the not knowing and the waiting was amking me crazy. All the brutality you have told me-- was nothing compared to the not knowing.
At about 4am-- omg I KNEW there was something really wrong again. and not like 11--really bad- I don't know if you heard me yelling at you. You made me a promise and I expect you to stick to it! --I don't know if it's helping but I am going to continue to talk to you (or scream if I have to) I promised you..you'd never be alone again...and I mean it. I hope you felt me.
Anyway--I told Eric what was going on--that something was really wrong. I tried to pawn it off as over exhaustion and maybe everything hitting me I knew better- I was sitting here hyperventillating & shaking uncontrollably--maybe you coded, I don't know-
When it passed- I told eric I was gonna try to get some sleep, because I was doing neither of us any good if I can't think coherently, you know?
I got woken up at 8:30am get on the computer NOW!!!!
Seems your man had taken it upon himself to hit the streets and see if he could get MORE information for me- the details of what went down, ect;
I got on just he sent a message-- very respectable, HUH? at midnight all I was told was that there was a hit 2 of your guys were dead, you were hit but alive ---and unconscience...
this morning he told me the details you were hit 5 times high powered rifle from a distance--your major wounds 2 in the chest & 1 in the head.. that you are critical but expected a full recovery.....which I feel as well..Am hoping that it is correct and not just wishful thinking--
I wish you could KNOW I am with you---I wish I could be with you......I realize ummm it's gonna be quite some time before I hear from you-- I know when you wake you are going to KNOW I know everything. I told Eric to tell me everything good/or bad.. I can handle it-- which I can. I love you--You are as much of me as the air I breathe.
okay right now I have to go cook something--shut up! lol I do---heheheheh
godspeed my Gianni angel-- I hope your father finshes with the roaches quickly...because I have a feeling he will.
Saturday 3/17--3:20pm......
Well ...lol! I am so tired. I have tried to rest this afternoon. I felt for awhile there you were having a very tought time. Now, I feel you are 'awake' am I right--hell if I know. I have been screaming at you in my head all afternoon--YOU made me a PROMISE! YOU don't break them so WAKE the hell up!!!!-- you want me to rest??? well wake up and get word to me--you are STABLE--you want me to have fun, monday night--you let me KNOW you are OKAY--
Funny I went from shakey earlier--really bad to my mood now I am pissed. I ****ing want to be with you!!!! I feel it's where I belong. I wouldn't leave your side. If someone came for me right this very minute I would not hesitate to go....but that is neither here nor there. Decisions are neither here nor there. You returning well is all that matters. Like I said, by the time you are well enough to travel I have no doubt your father will have made a clean sweep of things...
Energy is so scattered. I am a mess so I don't even know if I am getting anything accurate. Eric has not been around this afternoon...can hardly say I blame him. I think the spidey sense kinda freaked him out last night :p but I am positive any word-- I will KNOW. My biggest thing right now is I so hope you have someone you love by your side....Someone that you love so you choose to fight. Fight Gianni Fight. Get mad and want to erradicate whoever ****ing did this to you...the damn stupid Lybians--they want to do business in our country--well you know what? Business is business- you don't start a war like they have just done with your family. Morons they have any idea who they are ****ing with?..gawd I just so want to talk to you...
if you are lucid at this point you know I am losing it... the house is spotless,lol! and I cooked the traditional crap for St Pat's. I feel you feel me...
I had a talk with 'whomever' is responsible for the link between us and i was like--either all or quit let him FEEL me let him know I know and I love him with everything I am..let him I KNOW I am with him.
the worst part is the not knowing-- the having to wait for information. I guess something I just need to get use to. I said that to eric last night--if we just knew the extent of his injuries--his condition-- and this was the reason Eric hit the streets at 5am to find the 'messenger' to get every detail he could for me. The man is more then loyal to you--
this is my ongoing personal journal for you--you better be reading it soon...
know I am with you, know I love you so much---
3/17--8pm
hmmm this reminded me of you....
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Silvio] All due respect, you got no ****in' idea what it's like to be Number One. Every decision you make affects every facet of every other ****in' thing. It's too much to deal with almost. And in the end you're completely alone with it all.
I am really peaceful right now-- I am hoping this means you heard me and regained conscienceness today..It's more of an "everything is under control" feeling--
Here's to hoping you are strong enough to contact us soon-- you know damn well I haven't eaten or slept in the last 48hours..yet you want me to go have 'fun' monday night. Kinda hard when I know you are in a foreign country and yeah you got their safe but didn't remain so for long...
FEEL the love I am sending you!!!!
yup still 3/17 now 10pm---
I wanted you to see this-- I got this message from eric tonight--
he is a good kid, you are very right...this will make you smile
well ann i dont know who exactly you are or who you know but you have some kinda clout from somewhere honey. it kinda got to me that you were upset by not knowin how Mr. L. was so i found my informer late this evening an asked for an update. it kinda pissed him off that i approached him again and he told me..' get lost kid' then started to shove me out the door of the restaurant he was in. ok, heres the funny part, some older guy came up and stood in between us and asked if my name was eric. i told him yes. he said somethin in italian to the other guy and made him apologise to me. lol i was floored. anyway the older guy made me sit down an eat with them and after the dinner took me aside and said 'eric you take this info to the person who needs it' heres what he said; Gianni made it through the crucial 24 hrs., he was conscious this morning for a short while but a little confused. doctors say hes strong an will pull through but has a bullet lodged in his head that they cannot operate on without putting him in danger. they dont think it will effect him while he recovers but time will tell."
well so far so good huh. i knew ya had that concert to get to an i just wanted to see if there was any new news for ya. man who ever you know sure pulled some strings there lol. i dont wanna know..im deeper in this than i wanna be already. that older italain man ..ive never seen him before i guess hes taken Mr. L.s place while hes gone.
I must say--as I said above I 'felt' you were doing better.. YES SIR--I will go to sleep soon okay? my daughter is still out of the house..I am waiting for her. Yes, she is worried, but she is holding up. Thank you for thinking of me and making sure I was being updated..I love you to the end of time..but right now I miss you more. I should be at your bedside--you know this right????
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