12/27/2007 - what do you really want for 2008?
what do you really want for 2008?
Current mood:  blah
So..... that silly commercial holiday is behind us all.
This year was interesting as for a change it did not revolve around the lack of money. I was however sick. Still am a bit....just drained now.
I did all that was expected of me as usual until I collapsed Christmas night. My energy just totally gave out. I am not one to notice limitations often. Okay, most of the time I have to be beat over the head with certain things before they sink in.
On Wednesday, December 26th I came to certain conclusions. One was, I am not doing this anymore, none of it period. Not one single cookie was helped baked. I had to beg to get even the breakfast dishes washed.... little things.
I worked in my kitchen ALONE Christmas day and thought of Christmas 'past'..Of love, home, family.
I realized it really hasn't been the same since the death of my mother 10yrs ago and no matter how hard I tried to keep that alive--10yrs later it was more painful then comforting. So along with my mother, christmas also died. I have tried long and hard to instill heritage & tradition in the children. This age of electronic bull**** and self importance family has fallen by the way side. I was finally aware, the only one that gave a **** any longer was ME.
So that was my first New Year's Resolution. Come next year when none of the traditional favorites are baked. I will just say I told you so.
See, when I make a decision like this I usually stick to it. 3 yrs ago after our last HAlloween party I said NO MORE parties... there hasn't been one since.
and here we go onto 2008- anyone really have goals?
I have 2 friends from 2007 that have made total life changes. They both look fantastic. They didn't dredge thru another year. This one was not easy for them, as they both encountered divorces after long term marriages. But you know what? They both look totally fantastic. My best description would be Phoenix's rising out of what became ashes of their lives. I have the utmost respect and love for them.
Another friend, who just went home. Plain and simple. Knew where he belonged and went. He too, is amazingly happy. I hope it's forever.
We sit at the gateway of 2008. What will it bring for you? What will it bring for me? I did my own bit of growing for 2007--my changes were all Internal. I still sit in the same small house. My marriage still sucks. The children are still as self centered as ever. Most of the time I feel a failure as a Mother, for I, would NEVER treat my mother as I am treated here....
But never the less this year has taught me things as well. That it is time to accept totally who and what I am, for things can not be changed. Time to trust all intuitions as more then not they are usually right on and many of the women in my family were born just to make me and my daughter's stronger in this way.
It's okay not to be good enough to be somewhere else.
That it's okay I enjoy waiting tables in a subserviant fashion, as someone has to do it....
That Life is too short and no matter how much time you spend explaining things to people some are just not going to listen and heed the signs. No matter what is put before them on how things should be done.
Good and evil are perceptions. Most of the time, they are confused only because people do not see a complete picture.
MY friends online are priceless gifts.
My friends that have held me up and lent me energy & love to get thru when I couldn't see through the tears (and you know who you are) have been indispensible to me.
What do I hold in hope for 2008? Not much.
I was pretty torn down in 2007. I guess still standing would be good. For everyone I love to grow and be healthy. One wish I'd rather not disclose although, that would take a miracle more then a wish. Yet, I stopped believing in Fairy Tales, long ago.
Personally though? I'd settle for a little bit of Happiness. How about some balance? That would be grand. The circle is still not completed. I have doubts that it ever will be.
The information flows freely. The conversations interesting...but getting anywhere?
I do not believe I still sit here at the end of 2007. Actually, I am surprised I made it to the end of 2007. Those that love me tell me I am too important in the grand scheme of things to be totally consumed by the events of the year that has just come to pass..... Although I see it not.
So I guess for me, Jan 1st 2008 will just be a Tuesday. I will be in bed way before the clock strikes Midnight for I really don't care. I am not in the same place I was last year at this time, except physicly.
I have come to accept this is it. All there is. So deal with it. I have my duties and responsibilities. Why I am here. I fought the battles. I lost the war.
One can only give so much before they just shut down and pretend to be complacent, keep the peace.As my friends that are seers--what is the point giving the information if it is not listened to?
The wall has been refortified. The layers of Ice will stay in place til the day I die.
I say nothing of what I know. Nor what I see. Unless it is something imperitive.
Over and over it is proved to me-- LMAO--check this out reminds me of the Matrix... "Neo you are NOT the one..not in this lifetime anyway."--
except THIS lifetime is all I gots, you know? and everyone else "is the one". everyone else is good enough...Reminds me of the "roses dream I had this year, the train tracks..and the rejection. Always that rejection....
Hell I am certainly not getting any younger and to be honest, really honest,
I am tired......
I know kinda depressing for 'reflection' of the last week of the year. But totally honest--
So what do YOU want for 2008????
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12/16/2007 - And the thunder rolls
I have been awaken to a powerful, wicked thunderstorm and the sound of pounding rain...
interesting considering the conversation last evening. You know I miss Eric so much. He is my mentor, he is my friend. He is always straight up and that is basicly all I ask for in life.
not much more---
ha I am still numb. Besides right now I have other problems, my front tooth feels like it is about to fall out. Shit--not cool , very loose...jerked right back into reality.
that and sadness...
Everyone BUT me. I still am asking WHY?
I guess for some reason I can't get an honest answer to that question. You say because of my family. Bull****. You know i have led double lives before. You know I still stand afterwards. You know it's what I do and who I am as much as you are.
Thunder- the power of the storm. The tornadic activity..yet eerily calm..hmmmmm
yet once again someone ELSE gets you in their life, for life. Here I sit...the pounding of the rain, wishing it would drown my thoughts. As I told you the one woman that would never manipulate you. The one that would never use you... would never expect or want any more than you could give, isn't good enough in your eyes to have a physical relationship with. ......and yes that is how I see it and always will.
Go on and close your eyes go on imagine me there
She's got similar features with longer hair
And if that's what it takes to get you through
Go on and close your eyes it shouldn't bother you
You never had to wait for nothing in your life
I guess wanting me must have been a steel blue knife
And when night after night the scent of passion would linger
You had to have the jewels wrapped around your finger
Now you keep running down the road in your midnight state of mind
Curiosity kills if you can't read the signs
Go on and close your eyes go on imagine me there
She's got similar features with longer hair
And if that's what it takes to get you through
Go on and close your eyes it shouldn't bother you
Dancing with the wall made you bitter and sweet
There ain't much you can do when they just lay it at your feet
But you could tell by the song I wanted to be the one
Did you listen again when the damage was done
Now the paint's still wet in your do-it-by-number dream
Are you gonna tell me how it felt, will you tell me what it means
Go on and close your eyes go on imagine me there
She's got similar features with longer hair
And if that's what it takes to get you through
Go on and close your eyes it shouldn't bother you
Was it want with no desire
Was it smoke with no fire
Did I say it doesn't rip me apart I lied
I'm sorry dear my hands are tied
Go on and close your eyes go on imagine me there
She's got similar features with longer hair
And if that's what it takes to get you through
Go on and close your eyes it shouldn't bother you
I told you a long time ago to pick up this CD---but then there are only some of us that FEEL the music, eh?
I am going back to bed for a while I got to get up and work in a while..... good day to you.
I have loved you since the beginning...
I am glad Eric is back right now, you know that? Who woulda thought 10 months later it is this dark angel that keeps me standing....
For everything you are you can't and refuse to haveany relationship with me off this box. Talk about Christmas surprises....I can't help wonder what you did with that birthday gift that was suppose to turn into a xmas gift jokingly.
There is a reason I despise this time of year... I had one wish for Christmas, just one..same one I have had since August. I am nothing more then a fool, am I not?
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12/10/2007 - oh now feel it comin' back again like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
hey you--i dunno if you bother with this page or not as you told me it makes you sad....this really isn't even about anything--it is random thoughts in my head... i miss having someone to talk to. I miss having someone I trust to get ideas from. Oh well we are so much alike I guess I may as well be alone as much as you are......
part of life I guess...
not much to report in. My head is busy as usual... i had a long mental day. not that it matters. I tried talking some sense into my son.
I WANT my son back.
but i guess that is something only i can fix if i can
then eric last night--WTF was he so afraid to tell me that it would piss me off... You are finding a mistress.... that would do it.
Or was he afraid to tell me I am stuck here? LOL I KNOW this..I have known this since the beginning..helll iuttered them to you maybe a 1000 times did I not?
had it out with Lisa today--bad timing on her part. She snapped at me because I refused to be baited by her at work..Her constant bitching about everyonbe and everything.
She told me it must be nice that 'everything' in my life was going well...
Holy fuking hell that was it... I let it all fly from How FUCKED up my kid is..to How ****ing FAKE and phoney my whole life is.and that ICE runs thru my veins as I talk to NO ONE anymore period. Even anything anyone feels as affection around here is as fake as the day is long....
How close she is to losing her job and if that's what she wants she is doing a good job at it... How childish and bull**** it was for her to pitch this fit that i had angelo wait on me.. It was because her ****ing attitutde at work that I had Angelo wait on me to begin with...
let's see I don't think I jumped anyone else's **** or pissed anyone else off....but it is 7:30pm yet....
i miss you .
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12/6/2007 - I remember you---
dammit i managed to stay busy today... days off are hard.
yea I am missin ya-- a friend of mine was telling me my colors are all over the place today but mostly very dark...black, deep purple (which is you), crimson...
I had to tell them..one of those days..it could go either way, lol--- as long as no one pisses me off i'll be fine...heheheheheh--can you say TURBULENCE..oh I know you can.
I am thinking about your self less act--of giving up Eric..so many other self less acts, so many you don't see them. I guess alot of you is all about sacrifice, eh?
i know the storm on the horizon..you hated this year? lol--cake walk compared to what is blowin in your direction..****.
and me--well all i can do is watch, wait..and do whatever you ask of me. I will be HERE. I will be here as i always have been. because you know what, whether you admit it to YOU or not it's where I belong. ...remember the days of mike and the mechanics..going thru my head constantly--can you hear me running..can you hear me calling you?
well as the birth of your son draws near the next thing is screaming at me. like I said even your damn grandmother is back..i have no idea WHAT they all want from ME..... and this time I am alone...Eric is gone. Might as well have left the planet.
dammit--but i am happy for him. I guess that is another thing to learn from you--to NEED no one but yourself...no matter what I see....dammit.
well I have to go to school. I miss ya--lol especially at lunch time how odd huh? that was a damn life time ago..but it was simpler then..you know?--ahh baby you haven't seen nothing yet.
trust me when i say TAKE my strength as I have given it freely to you so many times before..I FEEL that old familiar sign of danger just past the focal point where we can see it.. and it is closer then either of us think...Hold on. Here we go again...
love ya--- this song has been running thru my head you probably don't know it...called..I remember you, by Skid Row---
Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
The wind would whisper and I'd think of you
And all the tears you cried, that called my name
And when you needed me I came through
I paint a picture of the days gone by
When love went blind and you would make me see
I'd stare a lifetime into your eyes
So that I knew you were there for me
Time after time you were there for me
Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I'd wanna hear you say - I remember you
We spend the summer with the top rolled down
Wished ever after would be like this
You said I love you babe, without a sound
I said I'd give my life for just one kiss
I'd live for your smile and die for your kiss
Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I'd wanna hear you say - I remember you
We've had our share of hard times
But that's the price we paid
And through it all we kept the promise that we made
I swear you'll never be lonely
Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
Washed away a dream of you
But nothing else could ever take you away
'Cause you'll always be my dream come true
Oh my darling, I love you
Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I'd wanna hear you say - I remember you
Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I'd wanna hear you say - I remember you
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12/5/2007 - 7:30 wednesday
if you are checking this instead of your email... and not signing in on MSN---
please check your mail whilke you can..thanks
xoxoxoxoox miss you
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12/5/2007 - 10:30am--wednesday
I feel you--I feel you strong-- I miss you more--
I can't do anything about it... you sent ben instead of you last night..I love benny but I'd rather talk to you xoxoxxo
here's a guardian angel for you--she's fallen, but so am I isn't she pretty?
I love you
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12/5/2007 - 3am ramblings
ahh since you no longer hear me as you use to-- that turn off, turn out thing, lol--
i mmay as well write...remember the days i couldn't sit here more than 5 minutes and you would log right in. I always thought that was really cool...oh well the past is the past, no? I guess neither of us can live there.
I wish I had the gas today to take off to daytona..I am missing my beloved ocean and the peace it usually brings. I will say though in august even the 3 days there were none oto peacefull... sitting on the beach talking to you--thru the phone. turbulence....
good word for how i feel this early morning..turbulent. I love this time of night. I don't like it alone. i have also been royally spoiled by you as when i am up i usually have you here with me....
not much going on..we are getting closer to xmas which makes my stomach turn as well...you'd never know how much i do despise the holidays i keep it hidden well. my mom use to keep it all togather and make xmas cool..i have tried to take her place I am not her, you know?
December is just one of those months i wish would go away, period.
so i sit here and i wonder how you are doing? what you are thinking..you use to share all that with me...times have changed. there is an awful lot on your plate...so did you really think you wanted to be one of us? you are a chameleon..you blend..you can do it, but do you like it? you have now seen both ends of the spectrum which do you like more? lol
it's ok to be like us...but the key is being happy with the people you are with and in your surroundings. i guess that is true for all walks of life, eh?
what is happiness? man i guess that is the question everyone tries to answer for themselves....me i am an ice queen. i don't believe in much these days..i did again..you brought me back to life, you know
even with everything we went thru..i felt alive.
now that hard shell is back in order to survive. i am not young with my whole life ahead of me. mine is about half done. my kids are almost grown and gone..tis the circle of life so i guess. i entertain morbid thoughts of wondering how my physical self will die (since i told you we were both suppose to die togather, go down fighting so to speak)... the rest of me is none to alive anyway-- locked in that protective fortress.... as long as i am no burden to my kids--it's all good.
oh look 3 has turned into 4..i should lay down but i am afraid i will just toss and turn...
maybe if i go back to sleep in the light of day my mood may even be lighter...
i dunno i just really miss you at this time of night. the things i can keep at bay seem to surface in the dark. my heart hurts for love lost and a life that could have been..yea even the one you are living right now because anywhere would have been better with you then sitting here without you...honor, duty, loyalty we are all taught at the sake of living and actually being happy.
guess you are probably happy i am not melting lol--or do you even still feel those? I dunno...or maybe my turbulence is yours. high powered business man that is slopping pigs... a long road to climb back to the top of your game... you love a challenge. i see it in your eyes at night when i close my own
twin souls for always--
whether you want me there or not...i am you are just better at keeping me out..
reading the international news italy doesn't seem the place for you right now, eh? I am sure you have seen the stories as well..hmmmmm
oh well sweetie--you have a good day and if you remember me i am around. going to put a log on the fire cover up in the blankets hopefully fall back to sleep for an hour...
hey gianni, do you trust me?
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12/4/2007 - LMFAO-- I just had to do this :D
even though I KNOW you have never, ever, seen this TV show---
this is for you...LMAO--it is so in my head this morning xoxoxoxoox
Green acres is the place to be.
Farm livin’ is the life for me.
Land spreadin’ out so far and wide
Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside.
New York is where I’d rather stay.
I get allergic smelling hay.
I just adore a penthouse view.
Dah-ling I love you but give me Park Avenue.
The chores. The stores.
Fresh air. Times Square
You are my wife Good bye, city life.
Green Acres we are there!
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12/4/2007 - December 4th
((AMORE)))
well I am hoping this is all straight now--
I hope between slopping the hogs and tendin the piglet you will have time to sit and read, LOL---
As it is took all my time this am to transfer it...So if you are here before me I will be back around, 8:30am..damn heat isn't working--sigh, NEXT?
more coffee please...preferably intraveneously LOL
Intersting yet sad read, even to me--especially from back in march when I started this for you--almost wished I had kept it up all year....
love you
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
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12/4/2007 - Dec 3rd
Entry for December 03, 2007 to see if you are paying attention
you haven't signed in to talk to me s0-----
xoxoxoxo
Entry for December 03, 2007--mama we all go to hell :p
"happiness is a warm gun-- bang, bang, shoot, shoot--" 
dam I was up til 1am watching back episodes of the Sopranos I have missed obviously they were good.. Miss Adrianna is no longer with us-
Believe it or not.. She told Christopher about the feds. Chris went to tony (as she shoulda done in the beginning) Tony had Silvio do the deed...
I saw you sign in with your father but he was right there watching it with me..So....
Show is awesome wonderin if you miss it....
So what is on your agenda today? Like I said the idea of YOU in tore up jeans and sneakers is definitely a turn on...you wanted change, HUH?  nah I am not a farm girl if I had to do that kinda thing I could, but i'd rather not, heheheheh--
had my fill of it as a kid. Saw chickens & rabbits slaughtered ect; never bothered me to eat them as food afterward. Ever defeather a chicken? heheehhehe
So not much here-- I was up past 1am. slept on the couch actually. I was thinking of you and your son. this lifestyle change, what do you really think of it?
Oh yea the location, was pretty close to andrea's dream as well.. she said the area looked like 'lisbon' here--which would mean farm country-- stay on your toes.
Whatcha gonna do once you have that new baby screaming all hours of the night and you all are in close quarters (((Hugs))) I actually wish that on no one.
I am alot older then you..I don't miss those days at all.formula, diapers, all of it--
I need coffee I'll see if I can come up with a little more in a bit... I am glad you are still here for the time being...
I saw alot last night while I was laying there in between worlds. My world was busy at 1am probably why I didn't sleep, sigh--but it's okay. I wonder if any of it is actually important for a change?
hey did I tell ya I love ya?
Entry for December 02, 2007 andi wrote this and i think....
it is about me and you..wow-mostly me--this is pretty intense I have read it about 6 times..how do i know she wrote it about me--read the bold ..i didn't realize Andrea as well..okay guess I did. I love ya babe...we are all okay xoxoxoxox
I sit back and watch as the pages unfold. I always wish you're life could've turned out better, you were only stuck in the middle of that fairy-tale crap. You didn't deserve that, no one did. And you especially didn't deserve to be chosen over someone else that was known little about when it came to your past.
I want to say that you should have known, but then I'd start sounding like my father, and we already have someone that is starting to sound like him, we don't need three mouths. It's been really hard these last months, but what ever the cause, the fog is almost cleared. This wasn't about you. This isn't about you. I see you now - it's almost like my favorite song, "Outside" by staind.
Now I'm on the outside
and I'm lookin in
and I can see through you
see you're true colors
cause inside you're ugly
This will the be the last I ever waste my efforts on that life. I'm done with the pity party. Now it's time to show the strength I was given as a true woman and learn from everything that has happened and not make this mistake again.
Entry for December 02, 2007 Sunday AM
hey--
Wow I was just looking at the pics from the daytona trip..it is funny how you can look at pictures that show one thing, but in your mind totally know they mean something else to you--heh
So? Not much up here this morning--Sorry about not answering ben. #1 I didn't see/ or hear him. He pops on the computer at the worst possible time for me. Friday I was cooking dinner and could not leave the kitchen. Last night, I was in the middle of downtown tavares with the 6yr old watching the Christmas parade.a chilly 65 degrees really puts you in the mood for xmas, pffft..things I HAVE to do. Force myself back into the here and now---
Even though constantly there is that feeling of not belonging anymore period. I keep pushing it back. It gets tough though due to the fact I am a sensitive and Feelings are what I am all about... Kicking that depression out from the past year is about the hardest thing I ever done. That would be next to those feelings of missing you & eric....
So anyway--it's sunday. Gab had a great time last night. Andrea took off with her friends. HE followed me and gab around with the camera. It was all about her..watching her with the REAL (yea they are people) statues of angels that terrified her for a while then she got close enough to get a hug, the ice sculpters, --those were her favorites. The line was too long to see the BIG GUY and the train rides, fake sledding cost $$ so that was out---
bitched at me when I asked him to stand in line with her for cotton candy..always the same ****...
We came home..went to bed as I had no $$ to go get us food or order us something to eat. so that was it the first of the "holiday festivites over & done by 9:30pm. Kept the phone on for you **Shrug**
And that is life here in T-Town.
and today is SUNDAY-- what's goin on? nada right now. Supposed to get cold next week again. I am still wicked pissed about the $$-- Hope I have a good week at work as we will be living on it.....
Dunno what to tell ya G--I am at your mercy when and if it comes to contact. I am trying real hard to get on with it..my head won'r shut up about the fact I was told in feb I'd have a totally different xmas with a totally different family... hmmm if you think about it...it's only recently Alex has snapped... Maybe my son might posess a little Strega himself... He may feel how off the energy is here and no matter how hard we all try it's like we are going thru the motions in a fog...
I feel it from everyone it has effected. Especially Andrea and I, who are the strongest of the family... Maybe alex is a little sensitive himself since he has been so out of control... I dunno...
Oh well--- I know by now, to just let it roll. That hopefully there is more out there for me somewhere. I told ya a long time ago there isn't anyone ever getting in again..I meant it.
I hope you are well.. I hope things are going the way you want it. I know you never take time to look back on things. Just make decisions and hopefully go foward ;) You are incredibly strong.
Know you are always in my thoughts... dam I miss ya
Entry for December 01, 2007
Life
Just when you think everything is running smoothly and your life is close to your definition of perfect, someone throws a pebble into the quiet river, rippling into devastating disasters. You walk on spikes for a while until the pressure and gravity takes hold. You begin to realize who your true friends are and the ones you love. Standing by the sideline to watch your life takes it's toll on your mind and you discover more than anything, happiness. You meet people; they come and you go and the ones that stay will not only be in your heart but with you in spirit.
Don't ever let people take advantage of you. Don't ever let yourself go unscathed - whats life without your faults? When life gets you down, don't give up. Fight back and you will succeed. And most of all, when you love someone, tell them just in case, whatever the cause. That way you'll know they know and when you watch the one you love with the one they love and you know nothing could change unless fate has other plans, smile. At least you know they're happy.
Be happy when you give your place to allow another in your footsteps. Be hopeful when nothing else matter. Dance like no ones watching. Sing like no one cares. Kiss in the rain. And when you die many years from now, smile because you know you've left a memory in someone's heart.
That's how you live life.
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12/4/2007 - dec 1st
Entry for December 01, 2007
good saturday--
Dam you know what I miss ya-- It aches. I need to get over it, big time-- as I have enough **** here to fill up a mansion...as usual.
Ben has been checking on me
you are too funny...I have left you mail, pics and these entries as they are all I have right now--
I probably shouldn't be sitting here right now as I am livid.. .ack over $$..You know I can't help feel guilty that I pushed L into this job he has had for over a year... Sure the money is better...WHEN we get it on time.
He gets 650.00 a week, and then a big check (Usually around 2000) at the end of the month...
Yesterday was what? 11/30-- He goes to get his check the guy says he has to figure up everything--fine..Of course I am pissed..your bank open on Saturday? mine isn't...
So I paid all my bills yesterday... He drops me off a check this morning for 650.... I didn't see it til after he was gone..and no wonder his boss ran out of my house, L is working....
So now it's the 1st I am looking at at least 250.00 in overdraft fees... my phones being shut off, a late charge on my car payment (which is under my DAD's Credit to begin with) Possible car insurance cancellation by geico --because everything is going to bounce---not to mention my late fees on my rent because it won't be paid til after the 5th...
Anyway I called him to tell him we have been ****ed again-- and I totally agree with him as soon as his truck is paid off (financed thru them) he'll get a job where we can count on our money--I (as well as he) have had enough----
But that doesn't help the now---
I can't understand how some people try and stay so positive and just keep getting screwed up the a$$ without even lube--
oh well--happy december...
So there is saturday so far..sigh....
I did give my son a 'parade repreive' lol--
His buddy's dad is UCF alumni they have been awesome taking him (for free) all season to the football games..Well at noon--UCF is playing for a conference championship..so I let him go.... you know kid has been thru enough what's it gonna hurt?
As you know like i told Ben-- I am all he has. His father spends more time ragging the kid then anything. Never tells him good job on ANYTHING but sure can put him down....Did he deserve to go to this football game, Hell no-- But what difference does it make.
What's new in italy?
hehehhe I am refusing the meltdown... I miss ya and I don't really need ya(as in ****ing emergency, I always need you) but it always helps the way you tend to calm me down...how I dunno.
I hope things are going as you planned... I hope I am on your mind occassionally.......
Entry for November 30, 2007
NOW I am awake-- lmao
damn witch--that dream..and the after effects..I still see you smiling at me..I still feel you kissing my neck **sigh**
I remember thinkin to myself in the dream..just as I accepted I would never meet you--here you are :p always amazing me, always switching things up and changing things...hmmm and as I am having my dreams of ****phors as I am sure the alligator represents something else, LMAO-- Andrea is dreaming benito called her phone... She said here we were checking into a hotel and her phone rang--it was benny..and she said it was like a natural thing and all of a sudden she realized she had NEVER spoken to him before....and she freaked out lol---
Seems your little strega's were busy in the evening hours.
Even the 'things I was seeing' while we were talking, oops sorry--I didn't mean to type them as I KNOW better about that kinda thing...
Not like those particular visions are new to me...I see what you do sometimes, you know? Nah it doesn't bother me as I said..it's who you are... What does amaze me is most people trust you and never know what is about to happen ;)
LMAO I should be scared ****less of you, hehehhehe... Never have been as you know. I feel SAFER when you are in the states. I always feel really exposed when you are gone. But I guess by now I should also realize your father keeps tabs on me as well :D
Just getting ready for work..seeing your smile.. It was funny in that dream I knew you had just dropped in for the day..that once you were gone. you'd be gone... and I was okay with that.
Must be everything going on, huh?
i was thinking about what you said alex said about sex--yea I did digest that-- I always cling on every word you type ;) So you think it means you and julia? I dunno like I said this started long ago-- you have never heard some of the things my husband has called me..right in front of my kids. You also have never seen alex confront me--it hasn't been pretty. So it might refer to my past as well... Do I have regrets, nah? only one ever was that I hurt him... that was it. I never regret what I do/done you know?
damn that mischevious gorgeous smile of yours..the one not many see--- in my head...lol.
thanks for waking me up. Dunno what I am going to do without you for a while.who knows how long but I am trying not to think about that. Just like I am trying not to think about eric being gone.
I truley do believe if you want me--you will always find a way.
I also truly believe no matter how much we both want to believe we have plateaued this relationship and are at a comfortable middle in agreement...
We are by no means done here.
We feel eachother for life. We both know this. Even if Eric says you have "moved on" gianni you love me too much to just "move on" it isn't happening..you are as tormented as I am. You my baby, are just stronger being male :)
You miss me as I miss you but won't admit it to me as you want me to LIVE and go on with my life..but you know as well as I do..YOU baby are my life. that I will always be as big a part of you, as you are me.
but we'll be okay--we are both wicked strong people..what did I say to you?
LMAO-
-not many would walk right up pet the rattlesnake and hand feed it knowing very well that said "rattlesnake" would never bite me ;)
I know you know I love you--I know you love me.
I hope everything is going well for you mi amore--really.
I hope you catch me soon..remember no work sat & sunday--you want me you got me sweetheart--always
Entry for November 30, 2007 the dream
i was just sitting here in the afterglow of a damn lucid dream of you--pretty funny actually as we never did anything--except you were kissing my neck alot, ALOT--
funny thing is i sat down to write you and andrea came out of the room and said, she had a dream that benny called..and I said, "oh I had a dream gianni showed up"
She just looked at me and said great--lol
my dream we were doin really mundane everyday things.okay for the most part. We were hanging out at the house... there was a point in it I got into a fight with an aligator. I broke it's jaw and went to get you in another room to go shoot it so it wouldn't suffer--and you came walking into the room with your gun in hand and said done.
and you just kept kissing my neck. You hung out with the girls..I was smiling at you because you are just so gianni...on and off the phone the whole time. and I was thinking just when I was POSITIVE you would never show up ever..you did
. alex eventually showed up and i was outside standing there with you and I said, LOOK--and he nodded and walked away like it was no big deal....
Larry came home you decided it was time to go... So I was standing outside with you and you said something about going to denny's and I said, "Oh no wafflehouse is better and much less expensive..." I'll show you where it is...somehow we wound up at a store--I was buying edible underware (LMAO) just in case--heheheh you smiled at me and kissed my neck again....
at the end of the dream..I was reading a computer monitor and it said --I need to sign off for him now dear--but trust me you are ALL he ever speaks of---
I didn't want to wake up...all I remember is you kissing my neck, leaving as many little marks as you could ;) , your smile-- and us just hanging out-- very odd eh?
Entry for , 2007
this ****ing laptop--grrr just erased all i had written grrrrrr
it was good to talk to you today, really. i don't know what we are to do with alex, i guess just watch. he isn't only starting **** with your brother. it seems like everyone..like he is looking for an ass kicking.
now with ben he did it for a reaction. i still can't figure out why now-that is my big question you know? I see neither of us me or you at fault here. I have always been straight up with him as far as you and I go. MAybe his father? he is bak to his usual self-- i dunno..the spidey sense says it's this girl, G- hmmmm
anyway- i hate to see how hard you are working even if you do like a challenge ;) you now know why I hate xmas first hand..too much money spent on people that don't give a **** anyway--as you are trying to make your bills & survive.
BUT I decided this year will be different. this year is for gabbie. She will not be little forever. to her STUFF doesn't matter..it's the lights, santa, the tree LOL--time to look at this season thru HER eyes. ;)
I am use to never getting anything for xmas. I haven't since my mom died. (yes really)i don't care..it's all about tradition and heritage to me anyway-- if I don't carry them on my children don't learn them. Then WHO does it when I am 80, right? ewww hope I don't see 80- really. I don't ever want to be a burden to anyone.
i miss you.but I accept. see, just another thing of our relationship. i want you in my life. for some reason EVERYONE keeps screaming at me that you will need me again one day..they don't have to holler I can hear and I would never walk away from you not as long as I breathe.
miss you baby be well
Entry for November 17, 2007
i love you more then you will ecer realize--I really do
xoxoxoxoox and miss you more then you will ever know..
but I will be here if and when you decide to ever return to me as you are the other half that makes me whole.
I love you Gianni
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12/4/2007 - Mia Anima Gemella- Part 2
Friday, November 9, 2007
first of all I guess I should change the title of this ...as I know where you are now--I know where your going..I know where you've been, right?
I am going to warn you right now--this one is just my heart-- not really to you, not really about you--just things I have been thinking about..I have no one to talk to anymore so I guess this is more a blog.
my friends are gone..well all except Gail, but I refuse to put any of this on her. She has her own hell...Eric is busy and happy..... and I really don't have anyone else that understands any of this...
You said to me last night I was probably pissed at you as well.. You know what researching that thought in the dark of the night. No. I am not. How is it I feel exactly. I feel you spent months loving me..rebuilding me to go on and then just pushed me off a 10 story building to free fall into time and space.
You once said you would never come as it would destroy you...Do you wanna know honestly how I feel? I feel I was just never good enough to be part of your world. Part of you. I feel I don't even rate a phone call. I wonder after the story benny told me..HOW you could say you love me be that close to me and walk away--those are the things I wonder.
I wonder NOW who has taken place. and think I know for I am not stupid. Someone a hell of a lot stronger then me if she can predict your trips and all...You can tell me my jealousy is not justified but can you make me believe there are times you are not speaking with her when you are with me?
Full Circle--
that is where you have come..trials tribulations have led to the change you wanted. New life, New baby, family... You do what is best for you. Man I get that. I am not the only one is so much pain right now they can't see or function..trust me on that.....
I say to myself it is done. He has what he wants. My part is finished as he left me behind a long time ago. I wonder HOW real our empathic connection WAS..or was it just your power that was allowing it. Who do you share that with now..as it is gone from me. I am empty. I am numb..I feel as if Eric is blocking me..I feel so alone all I see is darkness.
Your grandmother STILL tells me different. I call her a liar.. I see no reason WHY you need me or will in the future anymore.I feel they (whomever they are) got whatever it is that was needed from me..You loved me long enough to heal. I have no other purpose to serve so you are done with me.
Do you ever think of the things I said to you in the beginning? Do you remember me telling you I couldn't fight what I couldn't be part of? I was never even given a fair chance to be one with you... I also told you if you didn't come for me I'd never get out of here.
Alot of how I feel is trying to face another "holiday season" I can't believe i sit in the same place one year later. I can't believe nothing has changed for me.
Remember where you were at the Trimont? I am there. I am frozen. I have given up. If I could I wouldn't ever leave this house. I would have no contact with anyone in person. I fake what I have to do.... but that Hole is so huge and so dark it is always consuming.....I have trouble making it thru 24hours at a time let alone the goddam holidays.
I just want to disappear. I have seriously given it thought but I can't do it to my kids. I have nothing left to give them as I barely function but I can't leave them either--
it's so weird --I can't explain it....maybe I am finally losing it. Maybe I have cracked. I dunno....I can't say I haven't.
MY heart hurts..I miss you so much. I know what I have been thru this year with you was real. I KNOW there was a time you loved me and needed me.... I am having a really hard time facing that time is now over.
I remember in august after the surgery I BEGGED you not to leave me..It's like I knew then.
I am sorry if you feel my tears (if you still feel me)..I am not the one that changed here. I believed in you.. I trusted you with everything I had left. My hurt is so oppressive I can't breathe and I have no idea how to recover this time... or even if I can...
Thursday, November 8, 2007
morning amore---
it is 5am here. I am sitting in front of a raoring fire. I have been up since about 3:30am. That ****ing phone company of mine..I have got to contact dell and see if I can get a latop reasonable all wifi--I never saw your father and your bro with Sledge online I missed the whole convo I guess just as well as everyone was frantic...
I did tell eric I "FELT" you were okay as I had felt your energy earlier in the evening around 8pm.... i really didn't freak too much when I was told the immediate news they had. I started getting kind of freaky when I let my mind wander.. but other then that things didn't feel "bad"
about 4am benny came on with news... the fact the orginazation has you ...somewhere..... lol we have no idea where but I do know it is MUCH better then the alternative you were facing.. so now we wait. Least I do calmly. I am hoping you are getting some sleep. We take care of our own, eh? I am proud to be associated with you--
Yes, really.
I am telling you--Sledgehammer was worried as he couldn't tune in on you. Poor man is so tired, LOL! the aprehension and tension has been wicked high. (lol ya think?)
ahh I love this time of day--- coffee, fire, only thing missing is my love.
Geesus benny tonight was funny..he rediscovered the fact his lower anatomy is working....cracked me up. He was also in the "I love you" mode... so he tells Sledge..I love you man--and I answered I was jealous :p He is so fun to mess with when he is wasted.. He says, "I love you too but I am not allowed to say that" ;) --- too dam funny
I also once again, as i do everytime he is THAT wasted..about your ummm freckle and birthmark :) When I tell him I know..he goes, "HOW???" and I mess with him and tell him I have seen them :p
you will be happy to know baby bro is being sprung friday. his first stop Mc Donalds:D...
OMG I can sit here and act like it is easy waiting on word about you, but it's not. Never is lol. Yea I KNOW you were monitoring the conversation before. They talk trash just to see if you'd log in lmao, because you ALWAYS do. hehehehhe
baby my feet are cold..hold up I need more coffee.
you know I may not be with you,but baby you are one wild ride..do you know that?
Sledgehammer keeps telling me to get on with it here.. Just go out and od what I have to but I don't think anyone gets it..You my lover are larger then life. There's no one else on the planet that even comes close to you..I fell in love with one of the most prominent people on the planet...I love everything about you. I hurt when you hurt...
How could anyone expect me to ever settle again? Just isn't going to hsppen. Any male I run into seems remotely trivial and bull****. You my love are larger then life I won't ever go back to mundane..I told you a long time ago if it wasn't you it wouldn't be anyone. I meant that you know? we have been thru so much this year. I don't know about you, but I love you with everything I am. I have come to know you in only this way and yet I would give all I am for just to lay my hands on you one time. ...to make you complete and real.
maybe I am silly and stupid but I still live for that one moment in time. The time that you will blow all prophecies and everything else to hell just to hold me even if just for a short while. Until that time comes there will be no moving forward for me..I will just continue to wander aimlessly here.....yea I mean that.
lol, do i ever say anything I don't mean to you?
I could be here. I could be anywhere but if you are not a part of it it doesn't matter. Period.
I have seen LIFE from you I never knew. I have seen you beat odds that were unbeatable and in the meantime you give so much of yourself to me..build me up make me feel as if I matter as well. Understand I have NEVER known that in my life. Obviously your family thinks so as well. I have been so included in these last few times there was trouble.. the only info I am waiting on is told to me by your father or your brother.
Your father obviously sees something between us even we may not see. I dunno...For who he is. You have no idea what it means to me that he even speaks to me Gianni. I am no dummy as far as your family goes. I knoiw the history. To have a kman like your father take the time to even say hello to someone as menial as me is still astounding to me. I am nothing, you know?
wow I have been babbling 45 minutes here--hehehehe sorry--you know how I get by now.
So amore--you doin okay this morning. resting comfortably? Out of hell?
I will be right hwere you want me my lover ALWAYS. I wish you'd let me be more but that was never my decision to make.
I will be out from 8am til 8:30am (gab school) but then home I am off today as it is thursday...
hey you know what Gianni? I love you..I trust you with my life. I feel you in me I wish you were here with me... but I'll settle to hear from you love of my life.
Soon I hope....
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
hi baby i's about 5:30pm here.....
i am about to take alex to dinner at Chile's with that women he met from the internet on Sunday..could I deny him this? She treats him as a son on her game..and no, i would never deny them meeting someone from the net especially since it is what I have LIVED for since february, HUH?
Not much going on..Eric had not much to say except--- OH **** over and over..i sent him the links you gave me... We are right there with you--I am hoping they didn't move you yet... I am hoping they can't move you period.
I ache to talk to you...
I ache to ****ing hold on to you....
If you don't think I cried your tears after your time was up today you are wrong. They ran down my face as I knew they were running down yours and my heart hurt for you...I just want to make it better..I ****ing hate being HELPLESS..As eric said right now, we all are. We are at the mercy of others... I, who, lknow this all to well waiting for information sometimes into the wee hours of the night, still doesn't make it easier....never has.
oh BTW--just for the record--the laptop was shut off :p so no--no one sees my heart to you but you.....
Gawd I hope you get to see these before they send you there..christ I hope they don't send you period-- if I could have one wish I'd put you on that jet to Italy myself.... I think that is more then likely all of our wish right now----
Shhh my secret wish is I could take you hold onto you and never let you go.....
Alex informed me it is time to go for now---I love you so much..you are on my mind always.
I WILL be here when you get back just as I am your heart and soul right now~~~~
IF YOU EVER GIVE ME THE DAMN CHANCE --I will show you what you mean to me instead of you having to feel it all the time...
xoxoxoxoxoox love you my baby
you paid dearly for your computer time.... me after you were done with it took off as I had no choice except to sit here and pace as you are there...You know amore, I just don't know. I get really pissed because what you do is no different then what they do except they are 'blanketed' by laws... talk about an oxymoron-- I mean for real..how many of them do you think don't accept the pay offs they are offered.. but yet *they* are protected. You like them were doing your ****ing job, period.
I sit here just hoping everything goes the way your father has planned. You sent me that web page..talk about scary ****..WTF you are not timothy Mc Veigh..you don't ****ing belong there. WHAT gives them the RIGHT to move you there? I pray you prove once again to slip on out unscathed....
I am also sitting here with a smirk on my face.... It is wednesday. HE usually is very far away from the house on Wednesday. I felw in here before (oh btw I was at school I am having some problems of my own here I have not bothered you with....) sat at the lap top logged into windows live-- all I gots to day is oh boy-- Hope when it logs into another computer it shuts down all windows..If not --he got an eye full, oh ****ing well. I don't BELONG here....He sounded okay on the phone but WHO knows if he read or not...
Not everything was there as I had switched computers after you asked me to wait 15minutes for you... I don't ****ing CARE.
Odd the things I talked to your father about this morning as well.... I actually told him after you were hit in brazil had you sent for me I would have walked out of here with only the clothes I was wearing on my back. We talked of respect and the old ways...
I said to him I have no idea why I am telling you any of this..as I really didn't. I mean obviously he knows my loyalty to you as he has been wonderful to me.
I think back to these posts I started in March..I know for a fact you would not be where you are right now had you continued on the right path but you are GKL..no one is going to tell you that your life could have been a hell of a lot easier had you listened to the ramblings of some witch. This WAS your choice. I fear it is not done...By your side I stand..well, it was where I was supposed to be by now--so I guess we just settle with HERE.
I feel you..I ache for you-- I'd bleed for you Gianni. Right now I fear for you and I fight for you..I wait for good news about you..
I think of your July 4th release and how happy you were coming back in the car with Nickolas.. I think of the whole year....
I miss you more then I ever thought possible. I wonder how we got here. I think about your smile in the dark of night where we talked so openly and often... I think of all the pain you have gone thru this year and you know what? I want it..I want to take it form you..I want you to have good... How can you be punished for being WHAT you are? for doing what you have to? Something just really wrong about that..and people want me to believe there is something out there that controls us(GOD), **** that ****--you are the only person I know that gets **** on more then me-- No matter what you have been thru...
You have taught me to be strong. To fight back to not settle..that I am worth something no matter what is thrown at me. My life is so much better with you in it. I breathe you, I taste you--- I FIGHT for you goddammit. You stay positive for us you got it? Because THAT is WHO my gianni is--no one can break him, ****ing no one..you have come back from the minus levels of hell this year.... I would have proudly gone into that hell by your side. I love you that much... I would do whatever you asked of me.
I still will..always.
you surprised I haven't asked about your family-- baby I KNOW they are being taken care of..there is never a doubt in my mind. LOL by the time this is all said and done you're gonna wind up moving me and the kids to italy--I really belong in the old country, don't I?
i'll leave this for nwo--I am talking to Sledgehammer for the first time since he told me about saturday--I sure hope this is the only entry I have to make amore before you return to all of us... I love you
I am gonna have to restart this later--I just cen't do it now......
you know when I started this in March things were so different...we had a life and a hopeful future togather...
I started it for the same reason I am continuing it now--for once again, you are away for an extended period of time.
I actually shouldn't have read the things I left back in March as I am missing you so much and to know now that in November none of that from March will ever be, well yea, it hurts....
So I will continue this later and NOT go back and read when there was a time you loved me above all else....
Funny how it isn't i after all these months that has changed....
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12/4/2007 - mia anima gemella--part I
Entry
I am gonna have to restart this later--I just cen't do it now......
you know when I started this in March things were so different...we had a life and a hopeful future togather...
I started it for the same reason I am continuing it now--for once again, you are away for an extended period of time.
I actually shouldn't have read the things I left back in March as I am missing you so much and to know now that in November none of that from March will ever be, well yea, it hurts....
So I will continue this later and NOT go back and read when there was a time you loved me above all else....
Funny how it isn't i after all these months that has changed....
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
this has been running thru my head all day--even before you shocked the hell out of me this afternoon by being on Yahoo---
This time, This placeMisused, MistakesToo long,
Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know, you know, you know
[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore
One my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know, you know, you know
[CHORUS]
So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving
Hold on to me and, never let me go
it was so wonderful to see you today.. my gawd Gianni I miss ya so. Get strong soon..I am with you--for always. I too have learned quite a few things this past week and one is we owe it to eachother to be HAPPY--because the blink of an eye can be brutal.
love you--
Well, even I don't remember when the last time I wrote to you was...was it monday?
First of all before we get to the orlando trip (poor nick if he is reading this one to you, it'll probably take several tries while you are awake :> )--guess what I did?
hehehehehhe--
I told Alex. yup-- all of it.(not all of it as in ALL OF IT, just what he needed to know---) Okay let me tell you HOW I got to that point,lol. It's a good thing I KNOW you are laying down, huh?
Monday as I was waiting for gail to come get me--Andrea and I were engaged in conversation. My son, as you know is a very smart young man with his genius IQ-- he had headphones on so Andrea and I were just talking--I could hear the music he was listening to.
We did not say anything except we were concerned for you and what was going on. The fact that Eric has been wonderful. Now Nick has stepped in and these 2 men are my lifeline to you at this point and keeping my sanity for me as well as keeping me grounded and able to go on here as I must.
I walked outside to smoke. Alex followed me. He said to me, "please tell me what is going on, I know something bad has happened. You don't sleep, you don't eat...and I am worried about you. Is dad doing something to upset you AGAIN--"
Like any mother who puts her children beyond even herself...this broke my heart. I made the decision to tell him.. all of it.(well you know not all of it--most of it, what I felt he needed to know :D which would be excluding quite a few details,lol!) I have hidden all of this from him for 2 months and with the extent of everything going on, I felt now was as good a time as any.
go ahead, ask me,lol-- How did he take it? :P Pretty good actually.
My kids are odd like me. He sees what you do as a job like any other. Anyway, he asked some wicked intelligent questions that went well beyond his 13 yrs of age. I answered them to the best of my ability. When we got finished talking he said a couple of things-- one was I am glad you made the decision to trust me mom...1)This is family business don't you worry it goes no further... & 2) See, I told you-- someone has always got your back. That's not a bad thing. Look how he is taking care of YOU and he's very far away. That's a first in your life ever.--
We were outside when this discussion took place alot of it anyway--and then the rest with Andrea in the living room...It went rather well. I think you would have been pleased.
Ahh and on with the show-- Gail showed at about 1pm we went to Zellies had lunch. This is the place I had the only alcohol I consumed the whole time I was gone,lol. 1 beer, yup that was it. Yup, the whole trip,lol.
We got into Orlando about 4pm... You know I told you I was all excited about being at the MArriott--pfffttt what a joke. No amenities what so ever in the room for guests. these girls paid like 200 a night for this crappy hotel room...worst part is The Marriott is a total non smoking hotel. nope not even a balcony....
You are getting the story here the blog didn't tell so bear with me--lol.
Gail was in the shower--and I was standing looking out the window. We were on the 5th floor--My thoughts were many as you can imagine. Especially because of plans that were shattered. Sadness crept in, but I promised you I would go and 'have a good time' and it all just seemed so pointless because of WHERE you are, you know?
I think that is just something about when you love someone-- (yea there's that damn question again in my head... Why do you think you love me?) first of all I miss you so much. I miss your humor. I so very miss our conversations for hours at a time. I miss feeling SAFE--
I stood at the window looking out at gorgeous downtown orlando- Not--clutching my arms about me and I just hurt...I just hurt for you and what you are going thru.. and then I was thankful that you are still with me and getting stronger everyday....
My thoughts were interrupted when I looked over the pool area..and down there in the jacuzzi were 2 people--ah yes, male & female... and he was desperately trying to get somewhere with her in the jacuzzi :p ---foolish girl fought him off and eventually he gave up..but that made me smile--heheheheh
Gail came out of the bathroom and she is dressed rocker to the nines... Now Gianni--I did the rail thing LAST year-- this is a rock concert.. ME I prefer practical. I am in jeans, a tight purple sweater..It's not low cut or anything, just there. and the most comfortable pair of flat shoes I have....
It got worse--we go over to the venue and there are all these chicks she went with to the show the night before--all heels, very low cut shirts, VERY fake BOOBS---lol..most of them are MY age or close to it and I am thinking my gawd they look ridiculous trying to be the "young & tasty's...hehehhe... There were 2 in particular that had flown in frThe one beached blond with her high perky boobs and her face when you got close she had to be close to 50--she looked all of rode hard & hung up wet. lol--
I, as you know, can't stand MOST women to begin with-- there was WAYYYYY too much estrogen in this group for me. I was kinda aggravated they were not selling beer outside the venue like they did in st pete... sure could have used one, BAD--just to handle the barbie dolls I was around--but I was in a group had to deal,remember the END which is Nickelback. When the lights go down and the music is on..nothing else will matter I am there....
The show, what can I say. 3 days grace--I don't know if you know them. They are one of my favorite bands. Their lyrics are so poignant to my life and my marriage it's not funny- so I really enjoyed their set.
You know the funny thing was-- I was right on the rail and I was right in front of about 15 speakers... and I thought about OUR connection. Especially, after the first band came on. I was worried because it really was loud and base driven. Then I thought if he hears I moved off the rail because I was worried it might hurt him-- omg--he will be so pissed at me-- Plus, nick said you were sedated really well-- So I stayed and will always wonder with everything you went thru monday night should I have moved????? are we REALLY that close????
Well nickelback--there's really not much to say. I have told you Kroeger is just too skinny..I always want to take him home and feed him,lol (yes so italian I know) --but the man has such an incredible stage presence by like song 2 you forget how skinny he is and start feeling a little ummmm--'frisky' lol! they opened with Animals which didn't help matters-- His brother the bassist was right in front of me and so was mr kroeger quite a bit-- I at one point thought..It may be a good thing G is not in Orlando as I believe he would not be able to walk for days if he was here tonight....hehehehhe ;) They did one song off of all the right reasons cd--that hit me very hard-- called far away..now I have heard this song many times. Seemed at the show though, it had meaning-- made me cry--(yea I know what can I say) it's now on my Sinister page with the rest of the music I have for you the lyrics are very poignant to what we are going through right now---
OMG--after the show all these 40yr old chicks stalked the dam tour buses. Which to me is assinine. Again, I am with the group--this was another time I really wished you were there to have saved me, you have no idea..
.They stood at the gate looking like a bunch of bitches in heat-- I sat on a wall about 10ft away with one of the non plastic chicks from california--who basicly had the same veiws as I did on the whole thing...I was flippin freezing and starving. lol--they got totally excited when they met 2 of the guys from Breaking Benjamin-- the funny thing was the bassist and his girl stood there and talked to me for a while -- we discussed the weather (they were laughing because I was soooo cold they are both from Scranton,PA)--
By the time they were over this game it was 12:30am--Gail & I went back to the hotel which the bar kitchen was closed..had I known how LONG a night it was going to be I would have ordered coffee ;)--went up to the room to order room service-- kitchen closes at 11pm. Marriott, wtf right?--
got in the car drove like 10 minutes and all we could find was a drive thru mc donalds open all night.. I am totally convinced now Orlando is just one big ghetto, I swear.
fast forward--it is now about 2:45..everyone is in the room.. girls are all winding down--I am as uncomfortable as hell..with the women gail and I are with-- I am laying there trying to sleep..3am-- I was shaking violently--worse then anything you & I have ever gone thru before-- My best description as I told Eric was I felt like I had tried to snort an 8 ball all in one line. I couldn't breathe, I was shaking, MY heart felt like it was coming out of my chest-- Now I have felt your chest wounds for days here-- but this was different and it (yeah I am going to say it) I have NEVER in my life been as ****ing scared as I was... I KNEW I had to leave the room.. I got up grabbed my smokes and a room key..and split. I had seen public internet access on the 2nd floor--
I got a hold of Eric right away.. it was taking me 10minutes at a time to type like 2 lines to him and all I kept saying was something is very, very wrong-- and on top of it I was in a strange environment. I was having trouble keeping myself under control luckily at 3am there was no one around--
Poor Eric--he walked me thru this before. It was Saturday morningat 4am..but nothing was like I felt in that hotel. he was freaking out and there was nothing he could do. He did catch nick online and at least I realized I wasn't going crazy...then I got mail last night explaining basicly WHY it was as bad as it has ever been---
Mi Amore-- you gots to stop doing this to me,lol! you know it's bad enough I am older then you--I don't really need to be looking it--If I NEVER feel what I did again in that hotel lobby I won't miss it-- I was TERRIFIED...
I did think I should sit down and write Nick yesterday-- to try to explain I am not insane. I didn't know how much you had told him about this connection we have with eachother--not something you or I just say, "hey we feel eachother" lol!--
He surprised me --guess who he mentioned? Yup your grandmother,lol! so at least he knows it's real..lol and basicly I am not crazy at least where this is concerned :D
that was pretty much the trip. I fell asleep at 5am on the floor in the room--I slept fitfully til 8am got up went down got the free watered down coffee the hotel offered..was alone from 8til about 10:30 when they all crawled outta bed and told me to come have breakfast with them.. I got back to mt dora at about 1:30pm laid down at 3pm slept til 5:30pm got up went to my father's as he is now in Europe...took care of everything. Came home ordered Chinese for dinner-- ate my soup only...Went to bed Andrea came in and got me--Eric wanted me to know Nick was sending me mail..
Eric & Nick have been fantastic to me Gianni for this I thank you..it's all that has kept me going. you know me too well and you did prepare for everything didn't you?
Damn I have to watch the Soprano's by myself tonight :( I will miss you last week was too fun--Wow I can't believe that was ONLY last wednesday--
Okay, mi amore--I actually DO need to clean the house. looks as though a tornado came thru. Then Gabrielle and I need to do grocery shopping ---she stayed home from school today. Seems she didn't sleep well with mom out of the house--
I love you Gianni continue to get stronger--everyday brings you closer back to me. I am with you, my sweet man.
well--here I am.... I can't help but wonder if you even KNOW what day it is yet. I think that is the worst part..not knowing...not knowing how you are doing, not knowing if you are getting stronger--I feel totally HELPLESS here.
Obviously, as E pointed out..If he had turned in any way worse we would KNOW--they would have sent someone. Don't you doubt how important you are..he must have given specific orders.
So very you, huh? You prepared for anything/everything you could in advance. I know you-- I wonder who is with you...If you have someone YOU love by your side...not someone who loves you--but the other way around--this way you get stronger by the hours.
Yes--I slept G... Not that it matters. I am consumed by you right now. I guess any 'normal' female would be terrified by what happened..ME, I am angry of the animals. People suck, and have no respect for a code of business that has been in place since the beginning-- pisses me OFF.
I got up at 2am--checked for message from E-- who invited me into chat-- and I said to him," I don't chat and I am really not in the mood for anything hot and heavy with all the little phonies on SS-" hehehehe..I have more important matters weighing heavy on my mind--such as REAL life, not cyber sex.
The man apologized over and over for even suggesting it ;) lol! I told him to quit--my mood is feirce this early morning and that I was signing off because he didn't deserve the BRUNT of it... Our tempers are a lot alike, mi amore.
I had another message from him this morning saying to have a good time this evening-- I told him had you been safe and sound this would be much easier. Right now, mundane life things seem pointless. I am helpless to do anything, but yet..I KNOW everyday you are stable brings me closer to hearing from YOU personally--It still does not help what I am feeling inside. I am WITH you. Gawd I wish you knew this--I wish I could just tell you I AM THERE with you.
Yea baby I am doing exactly what would be expected of me--Strong like bull that's not the hard part. Been doing that my whole life. The hard part as I have told you is the not knowing... are you awake? are you getting stronger? Do you feel me with you? one heart, one soul-- I belong to you..
Oh well-- I could sit here and repeat myself all day... I am going, okay? I am doing what you asked me to...but you need to forgive me if I can't get excited about it, alright? Seems just a silly thing when I think about what is going on with you-- When I think of the things you said to me on yahoo before you left to get the plane... and how even then I was powerless to comfort you. I have never felt more helpless then I do these past few days.
I have told you so much I am not afraid of this life you have brought me into. The only thing that scares me, actually nothing scares me... I am just totally PISSED OFF I am not where I belong which is in that room with you--and this doesn't leave me not for one second of the day while I am awake...
I love you mi amore--sleep well, get strong--
before you get all crazy with me--YES I slept last night..no I am not cleaning too much due to major lack of interest, but yea--I am cooking,lol! Steak Pizzaiola for dinner :p ...Am I excited about tomorow no not really... only place I want to be is with YOU--If I could be anywhere in the world it would be that hospital room right now.
I pray today has found you stronger-- You know I don't pray--"that express train to hell" again,lol... but I asked whoever was in charge of this crazy ride you & I are on (NO not to stop it,lol) but to please make us "ONE HEART" and give him whatever of my strength he NEEDS..let me feel his pain..let him feel me close, with him..
I know I keep telling you this-- but your people have gone above and beyond duty to me. Especially Eric. He finally got some 'down' time last night..was going out with his lady ;) Was out all night and the boy logged in and made sure I was okay, before he laid himself down to sleep...I am not use to having people give a dam about me..You and I, we get along so well because we have always been alone, you know? Even if this is being done as respect for you--it has been a life saver for me--being on this end of things, you know?
I realized last night--certain things you said to me on Yahoo/and in the last letter you wrote me..The question you asked me of why I think I love you---You were prepared for the worst. I also thought alot of your grandmother's vision in the last couple of days..I wonder if it's the crashing into eachother that stopped that prophecy from coming true... You also made me a promise and I am holding you to it, got that? ;)
So much on my mind Gianni--most of it is--I feel empty without you..you have spoiled me to what it is like to feel whole & happy-- I miss that. I miss you like crazy.
Larry took the older kids to the movies "the 300" in a way I am grateful for I am not all here,lol... I won't be until you are strong enough to talk to me yourself...I know if situations were reversed you'd be with me.... and I am angry I should be with you.
alrighty baby--I am sure even by the time you can read this it's going to be a novel. But at least I know you will READ it one day--me and my ramblings,lol!
never doubt how much I love you
well, you know me very well do you not?
It's been, 9hours or so since you left in the twilightof the morning... this way I figure by the time you have a computer--you're inbox will not be overloaded, right?
I dunno--the whole day has been a blur. Up at 3am. Life changes in the blink of an eye..by 6am I am sitting here like holy hell--I am dreaming and any minute I am going to wake up--I KNOW this.
Wow what a long week...seems even longer since lunch yesterday..you sure that was yesterday and not months ago in another lifetime?
"do you Trust me?" I see it so clear---
the funny thing is all the peices are in the puzzle-- everything I didn't understand the last few weeks..I get it. All of it.
I am on my way into school this Am with the 5yr old by the hand and I am thinking..
This is NOT who I am anymore. I reside in your world. I really do.
Day to day things seem odd to me- Could be sheer exhaustion as I am still waiting on that confirmation and I'd be lieing if I didn't say it was stressing me incredibly--I don't think sleep will come to me until I get it..
How do I feel?..funny you left the country--I feel really exposed. Unsafe. I know this is not true but it feels that way--
I walked into the kindergarten class and Sister Mary told me I looked like hell and to go HOME--guess I am not hiding it *that* well either,lol.
Tried to choke down some lunch-- am I strong enough?
9:30am--Saturday 3/17--
funny that is the last line I wrote--
was quite a long night as you probably figure since I feel things--- Now that you're able to read this stuff--
I don't know I was eeriely calm when eric gave me the message..that was around 1am. You know-- I'll tell ya what if you ever bring me to meet him..He gets one hell of a hug from me. He went above and beyond your payroll last night... he sat and he talked with me all night. NEVER your business--but just how was I DOING--ect; and the fact the not knowing and the waiting was amking me crazy. All the brutality you have told me-- was nothing compared to the not knowing.
At about 4am-- omg I KNEW there was something really wrong again. and not like 11--really bad- I don't know if you heard me yelling at you. You made me a promise and I expect you to stick to it! --I don't know if it's helping but I am going to continue to talk to you (or scream if I have to) I promised you..you'd never be alone again...and I mean it. I hope you felt me.
Anyway--I told Eric what was going on--that something was really wrong. I tried to pawn it off as over exhaustion and maybe everything hitting me I knew better- I was sitting here hyperventillating & shaking uncontrollably--maybe you coded, I don't know-
When it passed- I told eric I was gonna try to get some sleep, because I was doing neither of us any good if I can't think coherently, you know?
I got woken up at 8:30am get on the computer NOW!!!!
Seems your man had taken it upon himself to hit the streets and see if he could get MORE information for me- the details of what went down, ect;
I got on just he sent a message-- very respectable, HUH? at midnight all I was told was that there was a hit 2 of your guys were dead, you were hit but alive ---and unconscience...
this morning he told me the details you were hit 5 times high powered rifle from a distance--your major wounds 2 in the chest & 1 in the head.. that you are critical but expected a full recovery.....which I feel as well..Am hoping that it is correct and not just wishful thinking--
I wish you could KNOW I am with you---I wish I could be with you......I realize ummm it's gonna be quite some time before I hear from you-- I know when you wake you are going to KNOW I know everything. I told Eric to tell me everything good/or bad.. I can handle it-- which I can. I love you--You are as much of me as the air I breathe.
okay right now I have to go cook something--shut up! lol I do---heheheheh
godspeed my Gianni angel-- I hope your father finshes with the roaches quickly...because I have a feeling he will.
Saturday 3/17--3:20pm......
Well ...lol! I am so tired. I have tried to rest this afternoon. I felt for awhile there you were having a very tought time. Now, I feel you are 'awake' am I right--hell if I know. I have been screaming at you in my head all afternoon--YOU made me a PROMISE! YOU don't break them so WAKE the hell up!!!!-- you want me to rest??? well wake up and get word to me--you are STABLE--you want me to have fun, monday night--you let me KNOW you are OKAY--
Funny I went from shakey earlier--really bad to my mood now I am pissed. I ****ing want to be with you!!!! I feel it's where I belong. I wouldn't leave your side. If someone came for me right this very minute I would not hesitate to go....but that is neither here nor there. Decisions are neither here nor there. You returning well is all that matters. Like I said, by the time you are well enough to travel I have no doubt your father will have made a clean sweep of things...
Energy is so scattered. I am a mess so I don't even know if I am getting anything accurate. Eric has not been around this afternoon...can hardly say I blame him. I think the spidey sense kinda freaked him out last night :p but I am positive any word-- I will KNOW. My biggest thing right now is I so hope you have someone you love by your side....Someone that you love so you choose to fight. Fight Gianni Fight. Get mad and want to erradicate whoever ****ing did this to you...the damn stupid Lybians--they want to do business in our country--well you know what? Business is business- you don't start a war like they have just done with your family. Morons they have any idea who they are ****ing with?..gawd I just so want to talk to you...
if you are lucid at this point you know I am losing it... the house is spotless,lol! and I cooked the traditional crap for St Pat's. I feel you feel me...
I had a talk with 'whomever' is responsible for the link between us and i was like--either all or quit let him FEEL me let him know I know and I love him with everything I am..let him I KNOW I am with him.
the worst part is the not knowing-- the having to wait for information. I guess something I just need to get use to. I said that to eric last night--if we just knew the extent of his injuries--his condition-- and this was the reason Eric hit the streets at 5am to find the 'messenger' to get every detail he could for me. The man is more then loyal to you--
this is my ongoing personal journal for you--you better be reading it soon...
know I am with you, know I love you so much---
3/17--8pm
hmmm this reminded me of you....
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Silvio] All due respect, you got no ****in' idea what it's like to be Number One. Every decision you make affects every facet of every other ****in' thing. It's too much to deal with almost. And in the end you're completely alone with it all.
I am really peaceful right now-- I am hoping this means you heard me and regained conscienceness today..It's more of an "everything is under control" feeling--
Here's to hoping you are strong enough to contact us soon-- you know damn well I haven't eaten or slept in the last 48hours..yet you want me to go have 'fun' monday night. Kinda hard when I know you are in a foreign country and yeah you got their safe but didn't remain so for long...
FEEL the love I am sending you!!!!
yup still 3/17 now 10pm---
I wanted you to see this-- I got this message from eric tonight--
he is a good kid, you are very right...this will make you smile
well ann i dont know who exactly you are or who you know but you have some kinda clout from somewhere honey. it kinda got to me that you were upset by not knowin how Mr. L. was so i found my informer late this evening an asked for an update. it kinda pissed him off that i approached him again and he told me..' get lost kid' then started to shove me out the door of the restaurant he was in. ok, heres the funny part, some older guy came up and stood in between us and asked if my name was eric. i told him yes. he said somethin in italian to the other guy and made him apologise to me. lol i was floored. anyway the older guy made me sit down an eat with them and after the dinner took me aside and said 'eric you take this info to the person who needs it' heres what he said; Gianni made it through the crucial 24 hrs., he was conscious this morning for a short while but a little confused. doctors say hes strong an will pull through but has a bullet lodged in his head that they cannot operate on without putting him in danger. they dont think it will effect him while he recovers but time will tell."
well so far so good huh. i knew ya had that concert to get to an i just wanted to see if there was any new news for ya. man who ever you know sure pulled some strings there lol. i dont wanna know..im deeper in this than i wanna be already. that older italain man ..ive never seen him before i guess hes taken Mr. L.s place while hes gone.
I must say--as I said above I 'felt' you were doing better.. YES SIR--I will go to sleep soon okay? my daughter is still out of the house..I am waiting for her. Yes, she is worried, but she is holding up. Thank you for thinking of me and making sure I was being updated..I love you to the end of time..but right now I miss you more. I should be at your bedside--you know this right????
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