im still here.. things have been nuts in the area lately.. Kris went to CA for a week.. which left me HOME ALONE! *screams* but i was good.. talked to Sadie and Johnna alot  and they got me through it, in one piece!

Christmas went well. I got alot of really nice things, and Kris did to.. of course we had the normal family drama, but who doesnt have that.. *sigh*

I have been working alot again..seems a never ending battle.. and the weirdest thing..two ppl who i havent talked in ages... just popped back up into my life again.. the one can certainly go to hell.. i dated her years and years ago.. the other is Jimmy, my first best boy friend.. we grew up together.. and love eachother still as brother and sister.. which is cool, cause we have a lot of picking on eachother to catch up on.

been growing my nails out..which is AWEFUL, cause now i get more grease under them from working and everytime i have to dig through something its terrible cause it just hurts em.. i hate being a girl sometimes!

Fayne is getting DE-balled this Thursday, poor thing has no idea what hes in for.. hahaha

but im tired and going to bed..

laters

Today we went into work and it wasnt the nicest of weather.. so ppl started talking about how they were going to leave work and blah blah blah.. I suggested that they NOT leave and stay and work.. however, during the worst part of the weather thing.. They all left! dumb asses. The roads were better at 11 when i got off from work, then when they all left at 7. I dont see why ppl just cant stay where they are and be safe.

then ontop of it, we had a job that HAD to go.. so i had to babysit it which wasnt bad at all.

over all my night was good. Im going to start wrapping up my sisters gifts

talk to you later.. kisses

Have fun all!!

http://www.emailsanta.com/Christmas_Trivia-History.asp

http://www.emailsanta.com/Christmas_Trivia-Arts.asp

monday, i was soo sick from being so broken inside that i could barely focus to drive.... got to work and downed about 6-8 welbutrians..  and thought, or sickly hoped that when they kicked it, i might actually be able to function.. ended up making me sick and pass out. My boss had to drive me home cause i kept falling asleep and he wouldnt let me drive.. he didnt want to see me get hurt, i think i would of looked forward to it..

so, came home and Kris and I cried it out... for a long time and then we talked about if we were going to stay together or not.. however everyone..  we decided to work things out and try. I believe she and I have a chance if we work and fight for it..

Kris came after me Monday morning and the things she said to me, hurt me so bad. I cried all day. there was never a time when i didnt cry. I tried to go to work and i ended up willingly over dosing on my anti depressent cause i just didnt want to feel the pain and hurt anymore. It was the first time in almost 4 years, that she made me feel worthless, and not wanted.. and so many other horrible things.

I ended up almost passing out at work, so my boss drove me home. and Kris and I cried out everything we were feeling. she was hurting too. 

well, things may not be 100% better, but im glad we are going to try to work through this and see where it takes us. 

shes my best friend after all. and  i love her so very much.

i miss her. shes never online, and i almost feel like i did something wrong to make her avoid me.

i simply dont see why i talk to anyone anymore, they all just up and leave.. and im tired of being let down. i just dont get it.

There is something about Johnna that i really like. Well, there are lots of things actually.  shes been the new chatter in my life for the moment. And its caused me to think about things i have not wanted to think about.. but i geuss maybe at some point i need to.

People tell me that when you find someone who is like you, then you become pals. Or that, when two ppl have a common bond, a friendship can accure.. well i dont know who or what told them that cause i have never found someone like me, not even Kris. She and I are as different as night and day. Sometimes, i get down cause ppl come in and out of my life so fast i often wonder why. What was my purpose for that person, was there a perpose.. and if so did i complete it or not?

I miss Tanya. i miss Christina. I miss Amber.. i miss i miss i miss. Tanya, was married when i met her, and we had a good time as pals. Found out her wife was cheating on her, fell off the face of the planet, came back with a new love and now we dont talk. and i miss her. Christina was single, and great. She was charming and funny and informative.. she too found love and we havent spoken since. And Amber, who needs me when shes got issues, but never when she doesnt. I just dont know.  Sometimes, i dont feel like befriending anyone cause, they will just leave and it hurts my heart. Cause i invest alot into any friendship, esp my heart.. and its never lasted. 

There is Beth, and she and I have been pals for along time. Internet buddies only. and i like her.. however she and I keep a distance always cause we both know that at some point, we may never talk again. So to invest to much would be a waste of time and we both understand and respect that. However, she and I have been talking for years. And its seemed to work.

Sometimes i wonder when she, Johnna will leave as well. For someone as nice and special as she is, will not be single for long. And i hope she does find the one who makes her whole. She really deserves it. And i shall be happy for her, as I am for all the others.

just, sometimes.. i miss the ones i use to talk to. i miss Randi.

mood: happy happy joy joy...

watching: CMT *terry clark is HOT*

plans: Same thing we do everynight Pinky.... try to take over the world

Last night, we had a small issue at work when one of my co-workers went off the deep end and started threating the hurt my one supervisor and the manager.. well the supervisor.. Cheryl, was really scared all night. They did fire this employee.. and told him that he was no long allowed on the grounds.. but she was still scared to walk to her truck alone.. so last night i waited around for her to come out and i walked with her to her truck. Jeff, the manager still stood there and watched as I walked with her out to her truck..

so this is where my dream comes into play...

in my dream I was walking her to her truck and thats when Tony came out and shot her.... and i went running over to her screaming..Tony hits me and then he and I start fighting. I some how get the gun from  him.. but its too late cause he is starting to stab her..and   BAM.. i fire and shoot him. Then I run over to Cheryl and start screaming.. all a sudden i feel this horrible pain in my back..over and over and over again.. and its Tony stabbing me in the back.. and as i scream..i wake myself up..

now thats fucked up! it was the longest nightmare i have had in a long time

mood: just waking up

watching: CSPAN

Plans: lol i have no clue!!

Last night, it was fun to see the old Kris coming back out. Sometimes i think she forgets why we fell in love with eachother, and why our relationship works while others fail. She forgets that one of the reasons i love her so much, is that she flirts around.. now i know that might sound weird, but i like that she flirts. I know, that she will never leave me. I want her to be her. and she is by nature a flirt.. and when she flirts, she gets all gitty and silly. Last night she said that after awhile she didnt think it was correct for her to flirt with other ppl... so she stoped. But I flirt around all the time.. dont mean i love her less.. its just me being me.. and if we can be who we are, and still be in love with eachother then its going to last.. the last 3 years has gone by soo fast!

Last night, i went to bed with Kris, as soon as we got home.. it was soo nice to just lay there and cuddle and giggle and kiss and just have a relaxing fun time...

Then this morning, she went off to school..the poor thing is sooo bored there at the moment.. shes just waiting for her next book.

i miss her

there you go Beavis

mood: feeling better

movie: when sally met harry

plans: finish the movie and head to bed

talking to: jenn and beth

The last few days, about a week or so, i have been so bummed. I sometimes get it into my head that im a failure, if i cant carry the weight of this entire relationship on my shoulders alone, I get the feeling like i aint a good partner, .. i dont know.. i feel like shit when i cant do everything and anything for Kris...  esp when shes in school, working on her education for our future. Then she comes and works anywhere from 4-8 hours and then with sleepy eyes either waits up for me to come home to cuddle her to sleep or she stays at work and actually sleeps in the car so she can drive home with me.. so when I "drop the ball" it makes me feel so bad.

She is so wonderful.
Tonight we had some mind blowing dirty talking sex! haha.. thought id share!

laters

life is just a test, and thats ok with me.

current mood: super happy gal!
current song: Slipknot- befor i forget

plans: Heading to work for 12 hours.

Last night Kris and I watched the Ring Two last night, cant say I was thrilled with it. It was neither good nor bad. It had some high points. We were watching it as Kris was picking out her tickets and flight times for her christmas trip out to CA. When she bought em last night, i was alittle sad, that it was really over and done and she was really going out there...

So its saturday, my 12 hour day... its my mandatory over time.. who knew they would make it mand. to show up outside your over 40 hour week. oh week.. Last night was Crazy! it was unreal. We normally all go out on break at around 5:30... well as we were all getting ready to leave for a 10 min break, all hell on earth broke lose and it became a  intense next hour and 15 mins till things calmed down, just intime for lunch...  for example.. some one i geuss was doing maybe cutting something and droped there metal razor blade into the chains and it got caught between one of the main gear shafts and the inner chain... which throw everything out of place.. then turn around Jeff was saying something about a chain belt locked up and nothing turning over.. and we thought.. OMG what the hell.. then we had a senor blow on us.. the vaccum at one go out... Bill took that one and dug himself a nice hole to china.. he actually made it worse then what it was.. so yeah.. that was just the top of the cake... it was crazy! We had things going up and things going down, things coming in faster then they were going out.. Crazy Crazy Hour.. then it went calm..

Foots feeling better.. nail should heal soon, and the hole in my hand is closing nicely.
Just spoke with BB, which is funny cause i was sitting here thinking about her, and that we havent talking in a few and she shows up to tell me shes going out. lol... weird how that works.. shes adorable.

well im going to get out of here and head into work.

Blessed Be

Tonight I read an entry that my former partner wrote.. she talked about how weird it is to see me. She came to our small get together last Friday. She brought her partner Eve to meet us.. poor her! lol we can be freaky at times. But we liked her! so all is good! I find it odd  in that Andy finds it weird to see me. cause i dont find it odd or weird to see her.

My toes are feeling abit better, Kris went out and got me some wrap for em so that i can wear my steel tips for work and not be in as much pain, though there is a great amount of pain that goes into walking on em. Kris is in one her come love me sort of moods! its cute.  She has been feeling like she hasnt been a good gf lately, and yet she has. I think she hasnt gotten use to our separation yet. She still wants to see the same as when we were all the time together. She also has decided to go home for christmas.. im glad that shes happy about going home.

Thinking about it, i have to laugh cause my toes are hurt, tonight at work i put a piece of metal through part of my hand.. which bled like a bitch.. then i come home and Kris started talking about going down on me... and i thought.. hmm i better shave, and make it smooth.. so here i was shaving and OPPS, it sliped and SLICE!! I cut into my nail.. straight down my freaking nail and OH MAN did the blood pour! haha.. so into wake up my sleeping baby and ask her to please please wrap it up..

So, in other words, im a wreak! ha.. i dont know if there is anyone out there that gets hurt as much as I do!

ok im off to bed.

oh and for christmas i think i want a wand from Harry Potter! hahahahha, im a big kid

http://www.beautifulagony.com/preview/view.php?index=0377

It really sucked going to work tonight. My foot was kiling me. All night it throbbed and all i wanted to do was come home to my Kissyfur and have her make it better.  She took such good care of me tonight. Shes too hard on herself. She beats herself over nothing.. thinking shes all bad for me, or not good enough. thinking i need someone better.. NEWS FLASH~~ if she wasnt what i wanted, i wouldnt be with her. aww well... she just needs some good loving!

its a long one..

http://www.beautifulagony.com/preview/view.php?index=0358

lol...

So, last night after watching a movie with i stood up and went to walk into the bathroom and i hit the ottoman so hard i broke a toe and really brused the hell out of the other one.. freakin hurts. soo.. now im in bed resting on some pain killers. which i really dont like talking cause i have an addictive personality.. and i can pop pills like candy... so i have to be gentle with them.. I know better now.

Friday, Jenn came up to visit...she just asked me online what i thought of her.. lol now.. if that aint putting me on a spot.. haha. I didnt know how to answer it.. i mean.. i talk to her everyday, shes part of my day.. if i went a day with out talking to her, it would feel really odd. i adored her already.. i dont know why that would change cause we met in person... well maybe ehh never mind.. shes got good eyes... very nice.. i believe that the eyes show the soul.. there is a quote that i think about when shes asked me things like this.. "I know i would of missed you, even if we never met". and it fits her.... very much.

i have been playing Seethers, Remedy over and over and over and over.. its a good song for when you need to block out the outside and step outside yourself.

Kris is been really short with me lately.. she gets that way when i get hurt. I think its cause she knows im hurting and she either doesnt know what to do for it or she cant take it all away from me...  sometimes it hurts my feelings though... but i know she means well.. and thats what counts...

well the pills are in full swing and i feel really freakin high.. i dont really like it..... so im going..

oh yeah

yep

*falling asleep*

http://www.beautifulagony.com/preview/view.php?index=0001

whatcha think of this??

i have to thank my Shannagins for this one!! LOVELY!!

Doth I Protest Too Much

I'm not threatened by every pair of legs you watch go by
I don't cringe when you stare at women it's just a thing called guy
I don't notice your sideways glances or where your loyalty lies
I'm secure and out of me it's hard to get a rise 

I'm not jealous
I don't get moved by much
I'm not enraged
not insecure as such
not going insane
rational stays in touch
Doth I protest too much

I'm not tortured by how oft you're busy cuz I've got things to do
I'm not disappointed about how you don't miss me cuz I don't need you to

I'm not needy
I don't get clingy much
I am not scared
I'm not afraid as such
I'm not dependent
Rock solid stays in touch
Doth I protest too much

So much energy to prove to you who I can't possibly be
So much energy to prove to you I'm not who you hate for me to be

I'm not saddened and I don't miss you cuz I have moved on too
I'm not concerned about your new lover cuz I've a new lover too

I'm not depressed
I don't get down that much
I'm not despondent
I am not dark as such
I'm never sad
Keep chin up stays in touch
Doth I protest too much

Stupid

Night lift up the shades 

Let in the brilliant light of morning 

But steady me now For I am weak 

And starving for mercy 

Sleep has left me alone  

to carry the weight of unraveling 

where we went wrong 

It's all I can do to hang on, 

to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes  

(chorus) How stupid could I be 

a simpleton could see 

that you're no good for me 

but you're the only one I see  

Love has made me a fool 

Set me on fire 

and watched as I floundered 

Unable to speak  

except to cry out 

and wait for your answer 

But you come around in your time 

speaking of fabulous places 

create an oasis 

that dries up as soon as you're gone you 

leave me here burning in this desert without you 

 (chorus) 

 Everything changes   

 everything falls apart 

I can't stand to feel myself losing control 

But deep in my senses I know 

Crimson skyline...
A light rain drizzles..
Faint lights of a city...
Darkness descending.

The haunting sound of our black wings
Guiding us through the evening.

Winds grasping at our legs.

I look at you..."Hunt.."
You hear my thoughts..
A devilish smile moves across your lips
baring your ivory fangs in agreement.

I smile.

Below us..the streets are busy..
People walking from tavern to tavern
into a theatre
out of a bistro...bellies full.
We circle
Eyes burning...

With the flames of impending mischief

^*^

We stand
Darkened doorway
Watching
Smelling the sin
The debauchery
The anguish
Of each passerby
A young man..
23 at most
Stops near us
Lights a cigarette
Aware of our presence
Silently..he looks at you
scans your body
Your hair
Your nose
avoiding your eyes
I smile.

"He's bright..." I think.

You smile...a nod.

I step in front of him
You slide up behind him
He closes his eyes, flicks the cigarette
He vanishes between us.

His warmth
Radiating
I reach down
moving my fingers over his thigh
You lean forward..breathing close
My heart pounds
Anticipating your next move
Excited by the thought
he reaches forward

taking my hand, pulling me closer to him
as he falls back into you

You and I look at eachother
Enormous smiles on our faces

I lean forward and lick his chin
I feel your hands on my breasts
I growl
I reach for you
Deep sigh escaping my lips.
Pulling you tight against his back
Licking his neck... squeezing your arms
Wrapping you around us both
I see your nostrils flare
I feel the lust warming me
I struggle to be silent
He kisses me
his mouth warm...
I reach for you
My hand sliding down between your legs
A deep...hungry howl escapes from your throat
You lean back...
your fangs bared
You drop forward, quikly
Piercing his tender flesh in haste
Biting him deliberately, hard, and relentlessly.
His kisses make me moan

and I cum....watching you

Admiring you

Smelling the living blood.

You pull back
Lips smeared with his nectar
He relaxes...dropping to the ground
I plunge my tongue deep into your mouth
my hand roaming
moving
squeezing you
tasting his blood

you pick him up
facing him to me
"He's not finished..." You say, smiling
The boy weakly smiles
I open my mouth
Puncture him the second time
slowly
Soooooooo slowly
my desire is so strong
I dig my fangs deep into his jugular
looking up at you as I do
'He WANTS to die'
I think to myself.
I finish him
A tear falling from my eyes.

^*^

He sighs quietly....and drops away from me.
Lifeless on the walkway.
You lift my chin
Licking the blood
Kiss me
Kiss me
KISsssssssssssme
Wrapping your darkness around me
My hands roaming over your body
Anguish and desire filling me
You slide your hands into my clothes
feeling my desire
the heat
As I
push in
and
feel yours.
Our hands moving
simmultaniously
in darkened secrecy

elevating
hotter
harder
wetter
faster

We both shiver a silenced cum

Quikly

Fervently

Drying blood on our lips
your bittersweet cum
on my fingers
mine on yours.